Schönes Wochenende

So this weekend my boyfriend visited me from Netherlands and we spent days like we used to do back in Jakarta. Walking around, eating at Burger King, looking at video games, playing mini games on handphone, do fun things, and most of all, talking and talking and talking.

I don't have much to say. I also don't want to feed you guys with cheesy lines and PDA stuffs. I just want to say that I'm so glad with this. Life here is hard but when I'm with you, everything seems much better. So to the one who silently read this blog from the first-ever-post (i guess), ich liebe dich.

Yet one thing about long distance relationship, it hurts you more just to know that he will leave you again. Hence, welcome back Skype, i thank you a lot.

First Days Of College

I got so many feelings going on during this first week of college. The feeling of wondering is it right to be here. The feeling of thinking what do I actually chase here in Germany, in Linnich, in world.

And now I'm just here alone since my roommate is going out with her parents.

I just got back from being scolded by the dorm-master or student-assistant or I-really-don't-know-what-should-I-call-her because of skipping 2 classes (which were not entirely my faults okay...) and as you might know, I'm always overthinking on things. But now this girl is trying so hard to just let it flow.

Sigh.

Life's here is fun, when it's after the classes to be honest. No, the classes are not boring, they're quite hard even though I should tell you everything is just like highschool minus romance stories and cliche dramas, then plus physics lesson (which I don't really like) and German (everyday).

I'm just... I don't know. For the day before yesterday I felt like really really bored and didn't have any passion on doing things. Though I don't even know what my passion is. Yeah, pathetic. And then for now I just feel like saying; "shit, I should not be like this. I should act more serious now and stop being such a kid." Am I mad at myself? Well, maybe yes, maybe no.

The truth is, I don't know to whom I should tell everything.

Boyfriend? He seems so happy yet busy with his uni life. Bestfriends? They surely do have their own businesses. Roommate? I guess she already has her own stress that I should not add it. Parents? A big no no, since they have big expectation about me being here.

So, no, I don't know.

Even though I'm pretty sure they might read this sooner or later. But I'm pretty sure by the time they read it I have already changed.

I'm pretty labil (Indonesian infamous term for indecisive or moody). Yet I really need to get myself together. And never disappoint.

In the other side I start thinking of (starting) writing another novel if the time let me to do so. I remember the way I wrote during living in auntie's was much better than now, since I was, yeah, that alone.

But well, we will see it later. I'm just really tired and hungry for now.

Sonntag Morgen

A brief post about today just because I'm bored.
We went to church but it was too early, therefore we decided to walk around again and look, the stores were all closed on Sunday. 

We went back to church and yeah I admit I didn't completely understand what the priest said, but at least I went to the church and prayed. 

Then as a closing, shots of how people here are already preparing the decorations for halloween. So cute :3

P.S: Getting more nervous for tomorrow, dude, my future classmates are speaking German so fluent, how about me...

Erste Woche

Greeting from Germany! Finally settled down in Germany, in Linnich actually, and it is really different from Jakarta. (In a good way or bad way? Well, everything has both sides).

I haven't had much to say. But here are the photos taken from the first week staying there. I'm living in dorm. And then I was going shopping at Netto or 1 Euro shop, while choosing the cheapest stuffs of course. I was eating unhealthy stuffs such as almost-expired-asian-instant-noodle, and drinking tap water. And more obviously, I was going around (or walking around, I mean) as well as taking photos with yellowish-beautiful-falling leaves which are not available in Jakarta.

First day around the dorm.

First weekend, randomly taking train to Jülich. 

Taking shots with beautiful yet unavailable in Jakarta; yellowish falling leaves.

Going to shopping centre and here is the shop where they sell super cheap stuffs (yet almost expired ones).

But then got 'die beste heisse schokolade' (the best hot chocolate).

Luckily able to go home before dark and here's how I tried to capture a hot air balloon flying there but I guess I failed .

And finally here's one of the shots, me with the leave, and ":p" face.

College starts the day after tomorrow, wish me big luck since as always, I'm nervous...

Leaving Soon

Leaving soon, bye bye Indonesia!

Classification

Have you ever wondered that sometimes it's really hard to classify who you are?

I'm not a popular type of girl, yes, I know that.

Then, I'm not that bookworm, actually. I love books, but I'm not that into literature and philosophy and I don't even know by heart what are the famous quotes from famous authors like Fritzgerald, Vonnegut, and so forth.

I'm not a big kpop fan, even though I do love Onew.

I'm not a gamer, because I only play Mahjong, Subway Surfers, Temple Run, Harvest Moon, Sims and any mini games available.

I'm not hipster even though i take photos with yellowish color tone (and sometimes I wish I had analog cameras).

I'm not a football maniac eventhough I admit I do fangirl over Phillip Lahm.

Last but not least, I'm not a fashion enthusiast even though I'm sad that Jane by Design season 2 was cancelled.

So who am I?

Well, this is just a random thought. I didn't mean to offend, I'm just lost for who I really am.

Because Life Is Confusing

Apart from the witb project, I would like to share this thing with you. My friend once told me just because my life is cheerful doesn't mean I can expect him/her to also be like that, (in terms of love story of course). Hearing that, at first I was mad. I wasn't expecting him/her to be anything. I just wanted him/her to at least still see the bright things in this life. I think I'm not a kind of person who uses every photo with my boyfriend especially when we hug or kiss as avatar, DP BBM, PP FB, and Twitter background. I tweeted about my boyfriend but I didn't think I did that like spammer who showed it off. But then I realized, yes, I was wrong. No more excuses. Thus, to you who might or might not read this, I'm sorry...

I'm just kinda tired of people thinking that my life is that easy. Even my mom does. Well, isn't that being happy a bliss, not curse? I don't know.

But in fact, I guess I can be this cheerful just now after I'm being in relationship. No, I'm not saying you have to be in relationship to become happy. Every little thing in life can give you positivity! But maybe you just can't see it until someone shows you how... (Well, yeah, I'm telling you I was so into romance comic or novel like everyone else was in junior high school until I measured happiness mostly from their love stories. Silly, really.)

I was that person who walked with head down and chose another way to avoid meeting someone. I was that person who's being discriminated just because I'm black and ugly. I once lived by myself and feeling that lonely. I was person who usually became a joke for people laughing at. I was that kind of girl who kept looking from behind the boy she liked or loved. Furthermore, I was that kind of girl who faked smile everytime. 

So typical, so usual, but then people keep saying that my life is so easy. 

Yes, I realize, I'm blessed. Happy family. Capability. Best friends who let me to be who I really am. Very loving boyfriend (even though it wasn't easy to get. I was so naive, and for a year I felt that my friend played this game who made me afraid just to even hear his name.).

I'm blessed, and I don't want to have any crisis first in order to live better -- just like what people say. So, then, I'm confused. Because life is confusing, sure. Is being this blessed, a bliss, or a curse instead? I hope it's a bliss. I hope I can respect it better. I hope I can be better person. I hope I didn't sound like I show it off here. 

Go, Ask A Lil Kid

Go ask a lil kid what they want to be when they grow up. And they will provide you a various answer that sometimes make you even laugh. A typical answer? That will be a doctor, a teacher, and a president.

My mom once (jokingly) told me that the reason why children want to be a doctor because from the beginning of their lives, they already always met a doctor. So maybe if the children always met a tukang roti (the one who sells bread from one house to another house) they would answer that they want to be tukang roti.

I myself had different answer when I was a kid. I didn't have any strong answer when people asked me what was  my dream job. I remember I really didn't (and now still not) want to be a president. I never also answered that I wanted to be a doctor. I wanted to be a seller, well the cooler term is a businesswoman. Yet I didn't even know what particular thing I would like to sell. I remember I liked to pretend that I was selling burger, doughnut and martabak, my favorite food. So I wanted to be tukang martabak (no, not really, but maybe yes). I also pretended that I sell books, or have my own library. The point is, so many things I did to earn a money and then I wrote it on a notebook, just like a cashbook.

Later in junior high school I somehow answered that I wanted to be an author. I now really don't know why I answered like that. I love books. I love to write. But I know at that time I didn't even start writing. Only now I do, even though so many projects left unfinished and the other ones left unpublished because I'm being so diffident with my works. (I know, blame high school that gave you so many labels and opinions for whatever you do or you don't even do).

And again, going to high school, things were becoming more complicated. You couldn't be that because that would give you a little salary. You should be that because you are good in mathematics. You shouldn't be that because the prospect is not good and you would have so many competitor.

Hey, people say do what you love. But people forget to say that love is complicated.

Then if you ask me again, do I still want to be businesswoman or author? Yes, I will answer it. Yet in addition, I will answer; maybe. Because life is moving and I dislike to say that I definitely want to be this and do that. Oh, and i'm gemini. They say gemini want so many things until they themselves are confused.

No, I don't want to be a burglar. This is a toy from happy meal McD that my bro still keeps. I just realized now why McD has a burglar as its icon?

(Not) Where The Idea Started

And just after I started questioning what I really want to be in my life, my visa is finally granted! So it's maybe the way I should pursue. And of course thanks God for showing me that way :)

Anyway, to start who-i-want-to-be (wiwtb) project, I actually have no idea at all. For this post I just want to share the place where I supposedly spend my time to study for exams and other stuffs. But in reality, I mostly study in front of TV or on my bed :p.

Just like the other girls on teenage age, I usually got idea for starting project like blog, writings, and even creating stuffs like crafts and scrapbooks. Though almost only half of them that I actually get it done.

Well, again, not from this desk most of the ideas came and started. But I'm kinda obsessed with how cool or cute someones' desks are because of Tumblr. and I'm kinda getting inspired to be productive by looking at them (weird, yeah). So here is mine.

The overall look. 

Photos I blue-tacked on a pinboard.

The cute stationeries and the coffee to get me more passionate on working at something.

In the end, I have to say goodbye soon to this desk. But then, I hope I can have another one that at least has a pinboard with it.

Journal For October

I'm still waiting for my visa and my mom starts worrying and asks me to start looking for the alternatives if I can't get the visa. And then I was like answering with: "okay, hmm, I don't know..."

for the question where, when, what, who, where do I want to go, when do I want to start, what major do I want to take, and who do I want to be.

Maybe I'm tired. Maybe I'm really lost. But, I don't even know what I want to be when I grow up now. I don't even know why I do that and not that. I don't even know who I am, was, will be. All that I know is I've sacrificed so many things for the sake of going to Germany. I let my IB results turned out to be so disappointing. I let my last year in high school full of going to German course and physics course, even when I was still sitting on IB exams. University things have always been a pressure for me to be honest. And the expectation for the girl who is able to get really good score in maths? It's also another pressure.

Oh maybe I need to have a project similar to happiness project called as who-i-want-to-be project. The project is designed to take a note about all my aspirations, dreams, passion as well as those that make me feel so productive. Well, if my visa will or will not come out tomorrow or the day after tomorrow.

Random Quality Time

This post would be about my random quality time spent with lil brother. We started with eating at Burger King, and then going to toy store for him looking around, and book store for me window shopping, and also cute stationery store where I would like to buy all the supplies If i could.

Again, these were taken using cameraphone. Yet, I don't think i will rely mostly on it later on. Since I'm having trouble with editing the colors (which usually turned out different on my phone and on laptop screen). 

Anyway, can you spot my lil bro there? :)

Funny

Funny how I always want to start over yet I'm kinda afraid of doing so.

Long time ago, when I just graduated from junior high school, I chose to go quite far just to continue my study at senior high school. I chose to take a risk at new environment and new society. I chose to even live by myself at my aunty's, only be able to meet my parents and lil brother on weekends.

All i did to just start a something new.

But well, high school would still suck for a-pretty-ordinary-kid like me. A girl who dressed quite unfashionable. A girl who spoke english not as good as her new friends.

I remember I was afraid to tell people what I'd been doing (in terms of writing-activity mostly). I remember I was afraid of people's opinions, and it has lasted until now, unfortunately.

Yet, things changed and I started to love high school (though still not entirely). Even so I miss it right now, I still have a desire to start over again.

And well, college now seems to be a choice. Though half of my heart is pretty afraid of what will I face. I'm afraid of what environment that will surround me. And most importantly, I'm afraid of growing up and behaving more serious as well as responsible.

Another half of my heart is instead pretty excited for the new experience ahead. New adventures and opportunities. New faces and personalities.

See? Again, it's half excited for a new start, half scared for the same thing.

It's funny, yet it's me.

Bookworm

I was reading The Happiness Project when I suddenly remembered that I've been in love with books since I was a little kid. Yeah, going to bookstore near my house, buying a new book with dad and mom, going back home after that, and read that book every day. Those activities would be listed on favorite activities for a little me. Moreover, little me always felt so happy when she got a new book. Because for her, it meant that there would be a new knowledge to gain from that book.

So nerdy don't you think? Well, little me didn't know what it means to be nerd or geek.

These are some of the books I remember I really wanted to buy, yet after I got them, I read them a little by little just because I didn't want to finish them so soon. But ironically, it makes me not able to finish them until now.

I also read storybooks with colorful illustrations on their every pages. I remember I love Franklin the turtle series as well as the Japanese bear named Kumata (for this one, I found it quite hard to remember his name though I love the illustrations and stories so much).

Oh, and also Poldy the series. My parents bought those books for me even when me was still a baby.

Nowadays I still be a bookworm. Though I have understood the society terms/standards about geek and nerd. At least i'm happy when i read.
I don't read encyclopedia or story book anymore. I read mostly novels. And now dad starts giving me some "serious stuffs" like motivational books and non-fiction self-help books which I need to start enjoying finishing them.
All in all, what I want to say is... I don't know. Just do what makes you happy, I guess. All the society standards don't matter (theoretically) :)

note; I took the photos with cameraphone. I haven't had Instagram yet but I may give it a shot later on.

Jogja: Lil Farewell

Yesterday, me and my family took 3 days trip to Jogja. We were staying at grandparents' for my farewell, eventhough until today I still haven't got my visa and residence permit. Unfortunately on the second day of the trip all of my family got sick except my mom. And so we didn't go out much. We were just staying at grandparents' house and having a "farewell dinner".

As well as buying the best martabak ever for the last time (before leaving).

Where I met 'mbah' who randomly gave me really good advice about uni, thanks 'mbah' :')

And the rest of the time was well spent at the house. But I didn't take much photos of it and also its view (which would be very nice since the house's still located in the middle of village). Yeah, that's my mistake, I'm sorry.

Anyway, this is the new dog, Sisi. 

And this is the random Chinese magazine where the text is still in Chinese so I didn't even understand. But I like this page where there are charms I wish I had one.

Then we were going back to Jakarta. 

Well, this was the last time going to this Adisucipto airport. Of course I spent my time well on my favorite bookstore, which was located right at the waiting room. Where they sell unique imported books that somehow are just different from those being sold at Jakarta.

And I bought this book instead of "street photography" book because my dad let me to buy this not that book. Yet after reading the first few pages, I actually am into this book.

So, these are few lines I would like to share here:

"I wasn't depressed and I wasn't having midlife crisis, but I was suffering from midlife malaise a recurrent sense of discontent and almost a feeling of disbelief. 'can this be me?'"

"but though at times I felt dissatisfied, that something was missing, I also never forgot how fortunate I was."

"I didn't want to look back at the end of my life or after some great catastrophe and think 'how happy I used to be then, if only I'd realized it. I needed to think about this. How could I discipline myself to feel grateful for my ordinary day?"

And this is the shot of another "oleh-oleh".

Bye bye, Djogdja.

The moment when you feel that everything you do is wrong,
everything you write is just unreadable,
and everything you say is just leading into a conflict or offense. 

After High School

As you know, I just graduated from highschool like 4 months ago and until now I am still waiting for the time to start my new life in college. Well, if I should put into words what I have felt during this unemployment phase, I guess it would be pretty much like this,

lost.

During highschool I had same assignments with my friends. I had teachers with the same teaching method. I did not have much choice till all I did seemed right and not letting me to be confused.

But now, the choices that I have to choose are getting complicated. These choices are so crucial for my future. And to make me more frustrated, the choices are just different for me and for my friends.

Well, long story short, you know that your friends have started chasing their dreams, while you, yourself still think is it the right choice to go to that college or that university or take a gap year. You start wondering is it really your dream. What if you pursue that dream instead of another one, and any other 'what ifs' which kill.

lonely.
My friends are getting busy while me is still doing nothing. So, yeah, no matter how much I talk to them via Twitter and another social network or messenger, it's just different. Even though sometimes I admit that I want to be alone.
happy.

Who would like to say that waking up and going to sleep late almost everyday without caring much about what time is it,

spending the whole day in front of laptop catching up with drama series without thinking the pressure of having works need to be done,

going out on weekdays where mall is just not as crowded as on weekends,

are not heaven?

hungry.
No need to say much. I'm hungry all the time.
missing high school.

Like everyones do.

No matter how much I loathed it. Ranted about it. Cursed it. I do miss it.

Well isn't it what people do? Clinging on the past till they forget that tomorrow, today will also be yesterday.

All in all, things have positives and negatives. But I need to move on, and so do you (maybe)

Let's fight for a better tomorrow, and wishing all the best for us :)

Magic White Rabbits

Let me introduce you to my pets. They're (not-so)-little rabbits. But they are my first pets and referring to the title, yes they are magical since they actually have survived till today!

I've taken care of them since last year's April as far as I remember. I first bought 2; a pair - a male one and a female. A male one is white with brown accent on his fur and I named him Alexis. Then a female one is full brown and I named her Cadbury.

At first I thought I bought both male because they were still only 4 months old when I bought them, And according to my friend, it's hard to know the gender of the bunny on that age. Yet, Cadbury gave birth her lil children (magically) on January this year. We didn't expect it, and we were so lack of experience. Sadly two of her children died because of Cadbury herself and her 'husband' Alexis stepped on them. From that incident, we were then being so careful on taking care the only child left. And so i named her child-- well son actually-- Hershey. And now he's getting so big. And even bigger than his parents. 

Here they are:

(Not-so)-little Hershey.

   

Alexis and Cadbury.

  Eating and drinking.

And this is my brother also trying to take a picture of them.