Nice Is For People We Forget

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“I don’t understand why you’re so determined to dislike me,” Brighton says.

Does she really want to go there? Because I will. 

“How do you think people describe you? They say, ‘BrightonWaterford, she’s so…’”

“I don’t know.” She stares at her nails. “I hope they’d say nice.”

“Nice?” I scoff. “Nice is the word you use when you can’t think of a real adjective. It’s what you say when something doesn’t make an impression. Socks are a ‘nice’ gift. That’s the word you want people to use about you?”

“What would people say about you?” she challenges.

It’s a fair question, but it doesn’t have just one answer. My old baseball team would go with quitter; apparently Carly would choose cheater; anyone at C.P. High would say loser; while my mother would say maladjusted. My dad wouldn’t sugarcoat it; he’d called me a traitor, disappointment, and worse before he left.

I offer the words that seem truest: “Cynical? Jaded?”

“And those are better than nice?”

“Yes, because nice is for people we forget.”

Bright Before Sunrise - Tiffany Schmidt

And all this time I keep trying so people will call me nice. Even though deep down inside, I know I might not be that nice. We are all complex characters after all. 

Cologne: One Sunny Day

I am deeply aware that my blog seems too dark lately. I'm sorry but I feel talking here by myself (even though of course people will read -- but hey, they are strangers, and sometimes strangers are nicer) is better than keeping it inside until someday it will burst. Anyway, stop talking about it. I want to share some photographs that I took when I was wandering around Cologne last-last-last week. I think it was during the first week of spring when somehow the shine was shining (too) brightly. Here we go.

 They say you only miss the sun when it starts to snow. So enjoy the sunshine while it lasts, people!

Dream, What Is Dream?

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Everyday I force myself to wake up early. I force myself to catch the bus and going to classes. I force myself to stay at school until (at least) 5 p.m even though I don't have class anymore. Sometimes I stay at school until it almost closes. But I don’t know what I’m fighting for. I don’t know which one is important, which one is not. Building images -- I call my hardwork now is just to build an image that I'm still fighting. Or maybe I'm just killing time. Or killing my mind that will speak too loud when I'm not doing anything.

Dream, what is dream? 

No Matter What You Do, They Will Judge

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These days I've seen on social media posting about people comparing the first child of our current president and the children of our ex presidents. I don't want to talk about politic. I just want to outline how people will always find what's wrong from you. That's overwhelming, I have to say. But that's also a relief. Doesn't it mean that we can do whatever we want, because whatever we do, some people will support and some people will still judge?

I think it's pretty clear that we all have different priorities in life. We pursue different things. Some people want to study and get degree as much as they can. Some people want to build businesses. Some people work for money. Some people work for love. Whatever.

But I think it's hard for people to fully accept it. If my friend wants to study until he/she can get doctoral degree, some people will still think that all he/she can do is just studying. He/she is unable to work, nor to build a family. On the other side, if he/she doesn't want to go to university, some people will think that he/she is less educated. Regardless how much he/she have actually achieved.  

Woah.

Here, I post my story about I want to move to another university as I've failed. If you don't read it from the beginning, you will assume that I'm that weak. Or maybe you won't think anything, because this is pretty normal, because I can do whatever I want and nobody actually cares. I don't know. 

All I know, these days I'm being so hard to myself. I always think about the 'what ifs'. Maybe because I'm also aware that people will likely to point out the mistakes that I've done. Maybe because that's our nature, never feel satisfied and end up beating ourselves up. 

If only saying 'whatever' to it was that easy. If only I could always remember 'the key to failure is trying to please everybody'. Maybe there wouldn't be any anxiety attack in 2 a.m -- the time when your brain could only be your biggest enemy. 

Maybe we're all always doing okay. 

About My Mother

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I was about to post this on last mother's day, which was last last month, I guess? I don't know. I was about to write on Instagram along with posting her photo, but then I realise that it has no point since my mom doesn't have Instagram. Anyway, I'm not a girl who is comfortable enough to show my affection. That includes showing my affection to my parents. I don't know what is wrong with me (or maybe it's not something wrong), as I actually grew up in a loving family. And anyway, I think I should just stop rambling because I start forgetting what I was about to say.

So, I forget most of what my mom has said to me. Yes, of course, don't take it personally. Nobody really remembers every word that someone has said to him/her, right? But I somehow always remember that my mom once said to me, that I should not want to be like her. You know what? That's crazy. My mom has been my role model. But then she told me that I should want to be a better person. Don't be 'just like her'. 

I always see my mom as a superwoman. She handles everything. She manages to have her own business, while still drives me and my brother to school, cooks (most of the time), sews my ripped skirt, helps with our homeworks, and manages her social life (that includes being a choir member and being active at church). The most important thing is that I still feel loved. Of course, I just realised this when I've left home and being far away from her. 

Additionally, I also follow some bloggers who happen to be young moms. And I start to realise that it's hella crazy to balance everything like that. Mother always wants the best for her children. But then, we tend to close our eyes and we tend to get mad when our moms do mistakes or silly things. We forget that moms --as well as dads-- are just humans. We forget that they actually have no idea at first how to raise a child, especially if you are the firstborn like me. Hence, I would like to say that my mother already sets a perfect example for me. Why should not she be confident enough about it?

I still want to use my mom as my role model. I still want to be a superwoman one day. I want to balance everything and most importantly, I want to make my family feel loved. It's awesome. My mom is awesome even though she is not a CEO in a large multinational company, nor a doctor in a big hospital, nor a famous singer. And if one day she happens to read this, hello Mom, you should have known that I love you. 

We Will Be Fine

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