Failing

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I failed to do 'Praktikum' that leads to the fact that I have to wait one year to repeat it. And it means I have to extend my study here for another year. Well, that sucks doesn't it? Though, part of me knows that this is gonna happen. And yet, that part of me is glad that it happened. Well, to be fair, I have no idea at all what the 'Praktikum' is about. My friends are also similar with me. They have no idea, though they are lucky that they pass it. It's okay. Life sometimes can be this shitty. And I on the contrary feel like one burden is lifted from me by not doing this 'Praktikum' this year.  I already think what to do later, for example writing another novel, taking care of my businesses and even traveling. Yes, I know. This sounds so irresponsible. But what happened, happened, you know? I can't do anything about it. So for a moment, let me be 'happy' by doing what I wanted to do. 

NB: 'Praktikum' is a laboratory work, well I couldn't really translate it so I just write it like that. 

Fake It Till You Make It

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Just a little thought today. So it's been 2 years for me living in Germany. If you read my old posts (and even up to my current posts), you guys know how it's been a roller-coaster ride for me. Ups and downs. Hopeful and hopeless. But today I was going out with my friend here in Germany. We've been sharing our stories as usual. And she said that she saw (or has seen) me as a tough girl. She couldn't even picture me crying here. Wow. I mean, really, wow. I'm so close with her until I think she can see that I often get depressed here. She said that I'm so easily content with everything, for example, with just staying at home reading a novel. Yes, it's true. But I cry too. Humans cry. And I'm not a robot. It makes me wonder if my family even thinks like that too. Though, more than often, I think I'm such a crybaby -- not a tough girl. 

Or maybe, just like what people say, 'fake it till you make it'. I've faked my courage and sometimes my happiness. And they see me being happy and strong.
And maybe I don't realise that I slowly have actually become happy and strong.

Yeah, I hope so.

Lost Stars

I haven't actually watched Begin Again. I've been wanting to, actually even before it's out in cinema. I think Begin Again was out in cinema when I was in Indonesia. And since the internet connection in Indonesia made me losing my mood to watch streaming, I decided to watch it later when I'm back in Germany. But yeah, in Germany I was too busy until I forgot to watch it. I just remembered about this movie again when I listened to this song in Maroon 5's new album. It's just somehow inspiring for me (though I don't know in which way it's inspiring). Maybe I will write something about it later. But for now, just enjoy the song. 

Update: October 2014.

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So I go back to the routine already. But this time, I've sort of forced myself to not write at all. I don't know. Maybe because I'm still in the uncertainty regarding the drafts that I finished last year. I try to forget it. Though one day I feel that they're very good drafts. Yet another day I feel that they're just shitty. I also somehow think that if I write again, it will turn out as bad as my previous drafts. And what's the point? I'm exhausted enough thinking about that (yeah, I'm an overthinker, I know). 

So I tried to occupy myself with other stuffs. School, of course, even though it's getting harder and harder and I feel more stupid everyday. I guess it's true about the more you learn the more you realise that you don't know anything. I also try to do business with my friend and one business that I do myself (but just today I realise Facebook blocked the account so I don't know what else I should do). In the end, these days I was so positive till I forget to eat and sleep, you know.
But today, the day that I supposed to study hard for upcoming oral exams, I realise that things may not work out as I expected again. This might sound so negative. But yeah, I'm just an ordinary girl who tries too hard (and keep being silent about it so that people will think I'm doing nothing).
One thing that I keep remember is; life is about learning process. I learn so many things by doing these stuffs. But yeah, I really wish that the good results may come out soon. So that I still be able to believe in myself. Because if I have to be honest, I start losing faith in my own ability.  

Quote Of The Day

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Being a professional writer is a freaking nightmare. It’s filled with a never ending rejection. Only an insane person would pursue it. But guess what. I didn’t have a choice. Telling stories is the only way I know how to make sense of the world around me. — Awkward.

Twenty Facts

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Here's what's been going on in Instagram, tagging people and sharing twenty facts about them. And because I heard people actually like to talk about themselves, here I am sharing it twice, on Instagram and on this blog, enjoy!

1. Truly Gemini: moodswings and always do multiple things at once. 

2. Used to be an extrovert but dramas changed me. 

3. Not a romantic person, 

4. But I've loved my boyfriend for about 5 years. 

5. Yet I still love my family more (and he knows it). 

6. Dreaming to own an ice cream truck. 

7. Still wish that I can draw. 

8. A bookworm. 

9. Have a box where I put diaries, journals, airplane tickets, and stuffs you might call as trash. 

10. Will bite my nails if I wear no nailpolish. 

11. Not a dessert person, prefer chips over chocolate. 

12. Majoring in Applied Chemistry but don't ask me why. 

13. Indecisive, 

14. In love-hate relationship with my decision to go to Germany. 

15. 2010 is so far the best year for me. 

16. Can do a crossstitch and a bit of amigurumi but I can't sew properly. 

17. Born premature. 

18. Might be so silent or so talkative. 

19. A coffee addict, but only at home (and yes, that isn't my coffee in this photo). 

20. Not a clingy person but I often cling too much to the past. 

Before Going Back

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Yeah, I suddenly feel like writing a new post to sum up this summer holiday. Only around 3 days left before I go back to Germany. Time flies, indeed. This summer holiday is actually longer than last year's summer holiday. I was even kinda bored last week and started missing Europe. Though these days, I started feeling blue because I have to leave Indonesia again. Home is always the best; the safest haven. Yet, nothing great comes from comfort zone, right?

Anyway, just to sum it up, I actually did a lot this summer even though some days my mind tricked me to think that I did nothing again. Yeah, my mind always makes thing complicated. I somehow forgot what I actually wanted from this summer holiday besides relaxing. Well, I think I wanted to try new things, to experience and to make some stuffs.

I went to some new restaurants and places that seem so beautiful in Instagram and tried to capture it too. (Lol, just following the trend). I tried internship at a bookstore and it surely brought a new experience for me (even though it didn't turn out exactly as I expected). I finished another draft of novel and told my parents and they helped me to send this to publisher so now I'm just fingerscrossing again. I learned to do amigurumi from Youtube and even though it still looks so messy, I'm kinda proud to say that I now know how to read the pattern.

So, in the end, I did stuffs, right? Maybe it's not that fantastic. I didn't go to the moon or do bungee jumping. I didn't travel unfortunately besides going to Jogja (but I promise myself to save money hopefully for the next trip in Europe).

Yet, I do have to say that this summer brings a lot of memories.

Leipzig

I went to Leipzig last Easter. See how it was a long time ago? Anyway, I visited my friends, and was having a great time with them. I was thinking to not post the photos, because I was not in the mood to take photos when I went there. But then, looking at how long it's been since I posted any trip's photos, I guess it's okay to just share some.

The memorial we visited and on top of it. (It's so exhausting to go up there with stairs, I swear).

I have thing for ice cream trucks. 

Easter market with vintage theme (or I forgot the actual theme, I guess).

Super awesome snack.

Bye, Leipzig!

Summer 2014: If You Never Try, You'll Never Know

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Hi! Sorry for abandoning this blog for long time. Yeah I know, I'm bad at keeping up with all of my projects and resolutions. But seriously, I don't even continue my 2014's resolution.

Many things happened. I'm in Indonesia now for summer holiday. And I'm just wondering, maybe, I'm just a lil bit too perfectionist. Maybe, when I go back to Germany (which is in  the next three weeks) I should just be a lil bit more relaxed. Yeah, after finishing this draft and sending it and hoping for whatever the best, I should just focus with my university's life and traveling (if I can save enough money first).

Maybe. Yeah, once again, maybe.

Because as far as I remember, I did make a similar resolution last year during summer break and I ended up with the same thing again. Being ambitious enough to finish my novel. Being ambitious enough to do well in university. God. Since when I started to become ambitious and perfectionist? I was all about 'up-to you' girl in high school, I swear.

I've filled this summer with reunion with old friends (and still besties), catching up with my big family and my boyfriend, and working. Yeah, i got the internship even though it's not a hundred percent same with what I imagined.

And God, I don't think I write this good enough now (see how I'm being more perfectionist now?), but who cares. I don't even know why I still write and who will read it. I just do. Maybe I should just let my dream go. Find another dream. Or maybe, I should work a lil bit harder, because it's just one step away from my goal. Who knows.

I watched Parenthood this morning (I love that TV series and it's been a long time since the last time I watched it actually) and one scene stuck in my head. How Mrs. Crosby said she wanted to be a professional dancer when she was a lil kid. And growing up lead her to think that so many girls actually dream the same thing, so why should she be the successful one? But she knew that if she didn't try hard enough to be successful, she would always ask, how would it feel to be successful?
It hit me quite hard. Well, no, maybe. But I often wonder that all novels that have been criticised badly in Goodreads came from the lil girls who dream the same thing as me.

I've been criticised since I was a kid. Hell, yes, I've realised that the reason i'm this indecisive is because since I was a kid, every decision in my life has been criticised by my own family. Indirectly. I believe they never realise it. So I'm quite afraid if I even get my novel published, it will be criticised hardly. Not only from the readers, but also from the family. What if I'm not good enough at the thing that I think I'm good at? I don't know what the point of writing this post now but I just feel to tell something. Because my parents don't even realise that I'm just the same with those examples of girl living with criticism. And I'm fighting hard, too hard, to show that I'm an all-okay-girl, if you know what I mean.

Well, this is getting too personal, I guess. But yeah, in the end I just want to say, I even keep thinking a pen-name, an alias, for me when I finally be a writer. Because, you know, I'm always afraid to know that those people talk about me because I fail. Hell, I know people always talk about other people. But it's your own family who talk about you, what would you feel then?

Maybe in the end, that's the real thing that keeps me from achieving my dream.

And, wow, I've written a lil too long and too personal post now. See you.

Update: Semester 2

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And for this semester, it is actually total opposite of the last semester. I'm lazy as sloth to study for the upcoming exams. H-7 and I'm still looking for an excuse to let me not studying. I don't know. Maybe it's because the atmosphere here is already like a summer holiday. Maybe because my energy is drained enough for this year. I finished one final draft of novel last week before my 20th birthday (yeah I'm about to write a post about being twenty but up until now, I don't know what to say except days are long and years are short). And supposedly, I will start writing again maybe in this summer holiday, in Indonesia. However, it's like writing is more interesting than studying how do you integrate x,y,z in one equation or how a metal is formed, or how do you analyse is a substance containing Arsenic or not. Yeah, that's all the materials I should have hardworkingly memorised for these upcoming exams. I just think writing is the one that keeps me sane during my time here. Ironically, writing is the one that makes me look insane because I will be okay, or even I actually prefer, to stay at home the whole day with mind on the other world. The world that I create.

Before Sunset (And The Point Of Having Degree)

My favorite quote right now.
Well, tomorrow is the beginning of long weekend. Out of nowhere I just felt like I want to watch this movie: Before Sunset. And then, I fall in love with this quote.

I just found out that I actually have a lot of things that I want to do. And somehow, I end up doing things I don't really want to do. I don't know why. Probably because we, people, are mostly living under society's definition of how to live (just like what being told in this movie too). I'm aware that the decision to study here has brought so much opportunity. I wouldn't be able to travel if I weren't studying here. I wouldn't see things in more different perspectives. And I wouldn't meet many people with different point of view in their lives too.

But, somehow, I always ask, is there actually a connection between the major that I chose and the dream that I want to pursue? Yeah, I know, back to this question again. As much as I like studying this, I think I like more the idea of me studying something. But what's the purpose of having a degree? What's the purpose of having stack of certificates and good scores? So many people have been criticising it, right?

And anyway, just today I think, what if I don't actually want to be a career woman? Ha-ha. Years of thinking that I want to be a career woman, and hence, majoring in engineering first and business later, now I simply think I just want to volunteer, write, and still own a business. I don't want to be CEO nor manager. But then, after reading Ika Natassa's novels, for example, I'm pretty sure that I want banker's life or those career woman's life too. I want to buy stuffs with my own money too.

So, as I've said, I want to do so many things. What I think about my life today might be different with what I think tomorrow. I just hope I actually can manage my time to do more things that I want to do. Not what society wants me to do.

Where Do I Belong

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I, honestly don't know where I belong. I mean, it's obvious that I still have home in Indonesia. I still have family and people who love me. Yes, I know that.

But again, to think that I will just let this all go and go back to Indonesia is not possible. I don't want to do that. I guess I might not really get along to how they put organisation stuff as priority in university in Indonesia. But staying here is also not 100% right. I feel like I'm a weird person. Yes, I am. Yes, everyone is. I just hope someday I could find where I belong. Because even though they say embrace your weirdness, I still feel like I'm wrong. I'm never right. I never fit to something, and it's tiring, you know.

Love

"And turns out, love shits." 

International Happiness Day

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So, happy #internationalhappinessday! I wasn't aware of this term before until this morning I saw in Instagram and Twitter the posts about it. So what have I done on this happy day? Nothing much, actually. But somehow I'm feeling grateful. And I don't know if it's because today is focused to be happy and I'm happy with the idea of a-project-to-be-happy itself, or it's because today is actually a good day. My 'Praktikum' finished early (after the days before I was actually afraid and freaked out about it), the sun finally came out, and I got some time to relax and now dedicating it to read The Happiness Project until it is finished (I've bought it since 2012 if you remember).

There was a lil farewell with my friend today since he will leave Germany for good tomorrow, and he somehow marked that I've traveled a lot here. Well I didn't really notice it before, to be honest. Or, well, I sometimes noticed but sometimes got overwhelmed by people's posts in social medias about how good their lives (again) until I forgot about it. So basically today, combining with good weather, good day in university, good rest and reading a good book about happiness, I realise that I'm content with my life again after the days before I literally cried. I keep asking myself whether to walk away or try harder with this all without really answering because I couldn't find an answer that satisfies me enough.

I guess that's pretty normal, isn't it? That one day you wake up and just feel the need to runaway from this. That the life you're living is just a kind of black hole and you are trapped there. But another day, one and another thing help you to point out that your life is beautiful enough. So for today, since it's #happinessday, I and you should just embrace the happiness. Happy #happinessday people! :)

Collecting Chocolate And Flowers This Year

Well this is a post about this year's carnival. As usual there's a big big carnival held in Cologne (and Düsseldorf, and Aachen, and other part of Germany too) for Rosenmontag. This year I also participated with my friends. But unlike last year where we raised our hand nonstop and shouting 'alaaf' or 'kammile' (or I don't actually know what we have to shout) in order to get chocolate as much as possible, this year we got tired so easily. Maybe that's because it's not the first time experience again. Our excitement has faded. However we still enjoyed carnival's day, and still collected some chocolate and flowers.

Us before going to Cologne.

The parade began, and it's pretty much the same like last year. 

Though my favorite was still looking at the decoration of the wagon without understanding the meaning of it. ('My mother' here said that it had political issue actually).

Oh, on the bright side, I'm done with exams for this semester. Yeah, although Monday the new semester starts, and I'm pretty sure it has its challenge already. Now I just want to continue reading Fangirl or browsing and relaxing for a while. 

Break Free

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This is not the first time that I think i just want to break free. I just want to write, open an independent bookstore, own a food truck, open a coffee shop. That's the definition of living my life and YOLO for me, I guess. It s not about partying and getting drunk. Well, YOLO is still a bit about traveling. I still do want to travel. And I'm happy enough that since I live here, it's honestly easier for me to do so.

However I've seen a lot of people who doesn't really pursue formal education via college and stuffs but is awesome. These people work their a** off for their dream, and I want to be like them. I'm thinking about, again, breaking free.

But then I sometimes do enjoy studying. I do enjoy working my a** off doing these stuffs. Staying at library, solving problems. So maybe, this breaking free is just the way of my brain thinks when I'm already exhausted with exams and studying.

Or still, maybe it's the truest dream that I have.

Ash Wednesday

Well, I'm not the type who actually really listens to what the Priest says during homily. But since I live here, I go to Church by myself and somehow I always look for some enlightenment, or comfort, or what God actually tells me to do, by listening to homily. However this post is not meant to be some religious post. This post is just me sharing about what the Priest says; when you're fasting, don't let people know you're fasting. don't show it off, don't wear the face that begs for pity.

Yeah I couldn't really understand the whole homily but the first sentence has already kicked/hit/punched me right here. These days I was to be honest complaining and fishing for pity because I think I really work hard here but nobody cares or supports or whatever. Sounds so selfish, eh? I bet people also feel the same when they have to work hard but on the other hand they think it isn't worth something.

So the saying about when you're fasting, don't let people know you're fasting here tells me the same way about when you're working hard and suffering, just don't beg for people praise and pity. Do it because you want to do it, and it's your duty.
Nowadays social media makes it worse actually. I mean, seeing your friends having fun while you have to work hard and they seem don't care, just makes you want to complain and show it off too (that you're actually suffering). So this lent, I want to make resolution where I will open social media less frequently (I don't think I can, but just give it try) as well as stop comparing my life to others. And finally, I think this picture really tells everything. It's been my desktop wallpaper for months till I forget the actual meaning of the sentence.

And by the way, posting this right here seems a bit contradictory. Though I think my friends don't know my blog so I don't actually show it off to them, and besides, who really reads this now? I just want to share. And wishing you a happy Ash Wednesday :)

London: A Trip Where YOLO Word Is Being Abused (Part 2)

Turned out I didn't post right away part two of my trip to London. I must study, and well, I was working on my novel actually instead of really really studying (and now I need to go back on studying). Moreover, I was just on Skype with my family, telling them about my trip to London and now I'm in the mood to post the next part.

So here we go. Day 4 was the day when we were being tourists. We took a ride on the London Eye, we went to Tower Bridge and Tower of London. We actually wanted to go to Tate Modern too, but we were a bit lost, and since I'm not that into real art,  I said just go to the next destination which was Natural History Museum. I wanted to go there since there's a dinosaur fossil there and it seemed a lil bit like museum in Night At The Museum. And since it's also free admission, why not?
After that we also went to Harrods, Picadilly Circus, and M and M World. The next day, the last day for  me to wander around London. I wanted to see guard change so we went to Buckingham Palace and there's a lot, like really a lot, of people waiting in front of the palace. So I just relied on my camera to see what's going on. And then we went to Oxford Street and Picadilly Circus again.
Then we went to Emirates Stadium to see Arsenal! I'm not a big fan of football, I'm a fan of Die Mannschaft during World Cup 2010, but only that (and yeah I was a fan of Philipp Lahm). I don't follow football club, and honestly since I've lived in Germany, I've became not that interested on watching Die Mannschaft anymore (ironic, I know). But it's a nice experience to watch Arsenal vs Sunderland live. I got to know how the supporters chant. How it feels to see a goal live. And it's worth it. Then after that, I wanted to see London Eye in night because the lights are blue and so romantic. So we went there again (see how tourist I was, right?) and also to Tower London, Tower Bridge and last: Trafalgar Square. That's it! 

 London Eye!

 How crowded it was and how hard it was to take picture with this creature. 

M and M Center.

 Our effort to see these fancy costumes and hats. 

 Oxford Street. 

 Emirates Stadium. 

 My effort to capture Podolski. Yeah, that man is Podolski. 

 The romantic London Eye at night. 

Well, I plan to go to carnaval again tomorrow, so maybe my next post is about it. Meanwhile, wish me luck for next exam thanks, and see ya! 

Word

source: tumblr.com

London: A Trip Where YOLO Word Is Being Abused (Part 1)

So I write this post when I'm supposed to study Physics for next exam and I hate it. Why the title is like this, basically because my friend kept saying YOLO when we have to cross the road. That was really different with in Germany. Since in Germany, you have to wait for the famous rotampel (the red light in man icon) goes to green before crossing the road, even though there's no vehicles whatsoever on the road. And for me, it was basically a YOLO trip since as you know, I will have two upcoming exams. And one of it is Physics, which I hate. It's also YOLO because i was flying by myself. And since my friend still had some lecture and meeting to go, I had to wander around London by myself too. (So yeah, I decided to use YOLO word even though I actually dislike it).

The post will be divided into two, I guess. The first one is for first three days, which means the first time I arrived there and the time in Southampton (where my friend lives) and the first day I was back to London and exploring by myself: Covent Garden Market (a place that I love so much) and Camden Market (I didn't really explore this because the first time I stepped out, it was kinda like ITC for me. I know, the places inside would be more beautiful but I didn't really have time and energy back then).

Southampton:

Back to London:

I love how there are so many secondhand/independent bookstores in London (and in Southampton too, actually). 

My favorite place: Covent Garden Market.

 Pollocks Toystore: a very cute (and kinda secret) toystore and the seller was very nice, he allowed me to take photos as much as I wanted. (However, I of course didn't have much money to buy such a toy).

 Camden Market.

 And there's also a lot of stores which sell original Docmarts, with models that you can't easily find online. And it's on sale! Though it's still expensive, and too bad, I've got new boots before going to London.

 Platform 9 3/4. I planned to take photo there but there's a queue, and also we need to wear property and take a pose and therefore I became lazy to do so. 

Highlight of the 'YOLO': eating this. The price was enough to let us skip lunch the next day. But it was worth it to finally have some good food... (and really, people in Indonesia eat luxurious food like every weekend don't they? according to their Instagram). 

So the next post will probably be up soon. I'm so in the mood for procrastinating but I have to study. Oh really, in the exam phase like this, I wish I were studying in Indonesia instead.