Summer 2014: If You Never Try, You'll Never Know

Source

Hi! Sorry for abandoning this blog for long time. Yeah I know, I'm bad at keeping up with all of my projects and resolutions. But seriously, I don't even continue my 2014's resolution.

Many things happened. I'm in Indonesia now for summer holiday. And I'm just wondering, maybe, I'm just a lil bit too perfectionist. Maybe, when I go back to Germany (which is in  the next three weeks) I should just be a lil bit more relaxed. Yeah, after finishing this draft and sending it and hoping for whatever the best, I should just focus with my university's life and traveling (if I can save enough money first).

Maybe. Yeah, once again, maybe.

Because as far as I remember, I did make a similar resolution last year during summer break and I ended up with the same thing again. Being ambitious enough to finish my novel. Being ambitious enough to do well in university. God. Since when I started to become ambitious and perfectionist? I was all about 'up-to you' girl in high school, I swear.

I've filled this summer with reunion with old friends (and still besties), catching up with my big family and my boyfriend, and working. Yeah, i got the internship even though it's not a hundred percent same with what I imagined.

And God, I don't think I write this good enough now (see how I'm being more perfectionist now?), but who cares. I don't even know why I still write and who will read it. I just do. Maybe I should just let my dream go. Find another dream. Or maybe, I should work a lil bit harder, because it's just one step away from my goal. Who knows.

I watched Parenthood this morning (I love that TV series and it's been a long time since the last time I watched it actually) and one scene stuck in my head. How Mrs. Crosby said she wanted to be a professional dancer when she was a lil kid. And growing up lead her to think that so many girls actually dream the same thing, so why should she be the successful one? But she knew that if she didn't try hard enough to be successful, she would always ask, how would it feel to be successful?
It hit me quite hard. Well, no, maybe. But I often wonder that all novels that have been criticised badly in Goodreads came from the lil girls who dream the same thing as me.

I've been criticised since I was a kid. Hell, yes, I've realised that the reason i'm this indecisive is because since I was a kid, every decision in my life has been criticised by my own family. Indirectly. I believe they never realise it. So I'm quite afraid if I even get my novel published, it will be criticised hardly. Not only from the readers, but also from the family. What if I'm not good enough at the thing that I think I'm good at? I don't know what the point of writing this post now but I just feel to tell something. Because my parents don't even realise that I'm just the same with those examples of girl living with criticism. And I'm fighting hard, too hard, to show that I'm an all-okay-girl, if you know what I mean.

Well, this is getting too personal, I guess. But yeah, in the end I just want to say, I even keep thinking a pen-name, an alias, for me when I finally be a writer. Because, you know, I'm always afraid to know that those people talk about me because I fail. Hell, I know people always talk about other people. But it's your own family who talk about you, what would you feel then?

Maybe in the end, that's the real thing that keeps me from achieving my dream.

And, wow, I've written a lil too long and too personal post now. See you.