Insecurity, Pressure, And Family

Okay so this post is written by me in the middle of struggling against my insecurity about future, about Physics exam particularly coming up, about so many things.

And I always remember, how my family in Indonesia always supports me through all of this. Even though it kinda hurts, because I'm afraid of letting them disappointed. if you know what I mean. It's the pressure of being the first child as well as being the first granddaughter. I remember almost every single words they said on my farewell. I remember they put so much hopes in me by going to Germany. I don't want to disappoint them. And no, this  'galauness' is not anymore about passion, I mean as what I've said before, I can still find a connection between my passion and major. So now this is more about insecurity. I'm scared of exams. I had never ever been on that phase to be honest. Since primary school, I'd been the one who never had nervous attack before exam (unless it's Physical Education...) No intention to show it off, but everything turned out alright. (Though, still, there are multiple times I tried and failed, just like in competition, or scholarship, and I didn't give much deal about it.) Well maybe now God tries to show me how real world is. How there's word failure and success being bold. I'm not complaining. But again, I don't want to disappoint my family. I have to  struggle. Like, really struggle....

On the other side, I remember how weak I really am since primary school. I remember in year 2 I was afraid of going to school just because I was still unable to go to sleep without my mom when my seat-mate demanded to have sleepover in my house. I remember in year 3 I was again afraid of going to school because my another seat-mate always drew on my hand. 

I remember in junior high school, all discrimination and 'mocking' (because i'm black and fat and ugly) made me hope it all ended like real soon. And again in senior high school, I really really remember how I texted my mom on the first day of school, wishing I could transfer into another high school. 

Yet I miss all of them now, especially my high school. Yet time flies without people realizing.

Aller anfang ist schwer. (Every beginning is hard, that's what my teacher told me the day before I leave to Germany). I don't even know what the future will hold, but all I know, God plans the best for everyone (sorry, for cheesy words). :)