Twenty Twelve

Greetings from Netherlands. Yep, I'm still in Netherlands, staying with my boyfriend's family, which the photos for my trip will be posted later. Anyway, just like what I like to do (re: collecting memories), this post will be about this year in recap. To be honest, this year went so fast. I can't even remember what I've been doing each months, each days. Well, thanks to Facebook, I now remember.

January: New years sleepover and then study.

February: IB mock exam.

March: Pretty much studying.

April: Pretty much the same, studying.

May: IB real exams.

June: Bittersweet: prom, graduation, farewell.

July: Thailand trip, Jogja trip.

August: He left. Then for me basically is unemployment phase.

September: Unemployment phase, yet start being busy for moving to Germany's stuffs. And farewell.

October: Move to Germany.

November: Struggling to survive, yet hopping from one city to another every weekend.

December: Here, in Netherlands.

I'm not sure why I post this, but as what I've said, this year went so fast. One month might not even have any significance. Thus, I tell myself, I should make (again) resolution just like what I did last 2 years. Funny how from the outline of this year's recap it seems that I've done much, but I don't feel like I did anything productive or 'wow'. Long story short, see you in next post, next day, next month, next year with hopefully new spirit and motivation. Have a great new year's eve party :)

Let The Skyfall

For this is the end....not. 

I've been in the mood of listening to Skyfall these days even though I haven't even watched the movie. Anyway, connecting to the lyric that I wrote, I've been thinking that finishing high school equals to the end of almost everything. I mean, come on, I am really the type who doesn't easily move on. And by the end of my school year, it's like I have to let go a routine that I'd been doing for half of my life. I have to let go the way I study with food and papers scattering around my own bed in my own room. I have to let go the way I hang out with best friends and Starbucks and movies and chit chats about cute boys that we love or like or have a crush with. I have to let go the way I'm just waiting for the time keeps moving until it's holiday and I'm back at my heavenly comfort zone again. I have to let go basically, the way I don't want to think about serious things.

I'm in college, and everything turns so different compare to high school. Then the hardest part comes to the time when I realize, even when this college life's over, I can never ever go back to my happy-chilly-life during school time. Yes I miss Indonesia so much. But if I think about it again, like what I've said, most of all I miss the memories. Which I can't ever get it back, right?

So is it the end?

No. Of course not. Everyone said so.

Going to college means the start of you being the real you. And it's hard. Especially when you feel that you are alone -- literally or figuratively. Friendship here becomes different thing. You miss the time in high school when you feel that your best friends are your soulmates. But you don't realize, that they already live their own lives too now. You then think that you want to go back to your home. to your parent's bed, snuggling, sleeping under the same blanket and listening to the sound of pouring rain outside the window. But again, you don't realize that you and they are together getting older.

It's the time for you being more responsible, not crying like a baby, wishing by that you can just run away. Though, inside and outside, you keep wishing that you don't want anything ends. You don't want your beautiful life as a little kid ends.

I'm 18. Still 18. But I overthink to almost think that I'm already 24 something. It's still a long way. So many things will happen and so many ideas and dreams will pop up to motivate you.

And you're not that alone. I'm not that alone. People come and go but your family and people who really love you will stay.

So let the sky fall, when it crumbles, we will stand tall, face it all together.

Insecurity, Pressure, And Family

Okay so this post is written by me in the middle of struggling against my insecurity about future, about Physics exam particularly coming up, about so many things.

And I always remember, how my family in Indonesia always supports me through all of this. Even though it kinda hurts, because I'm afraid of letting them disappointed. if you know what I mean. It's the pressure of being the first child as well as being the first granddaughter. I remember almost every single words they said on my farewell. I remember they put so much hopes in me by going to Germany. I don't want to disappoint them. And no, this  'galauness' is not anymore about passion, I mean as what I've said before, I can still find a connection between my passion and major. So now this is more about insecurity. I'm scared of exams. I had never ever been on that phase to be honest. Since primary school, I'd been the one who never had nervous attack before exam (unless it's Physical Education...) No intention to show it off, but everything turned out alright. (Though, still, there are multiple times I tried and failed, just like in competition, or scholarship, and I didn't give much deal about it.) Well maybe now God tries to show me how real world is. How there's word failure and success being bold. I'm not complaining. But again, I don't want to disappoint my family. I have to  struggle. Like, really struggle....

On the other side, I remember how weak I really am since primary school. I remember in year 2 I was afraid of going to school just because I was still unable to go to sleep without my mom when my seat-mate demanded to have sleepover in my house. I remember in year 3 I was again afraid of going to school because my another seat-mate always drew on my hand. 

I remember in junior high school, all discrimination and 'mocking' (because i'm black and fat and ugly) made me hope it all ended like real soon. And again in senior high school, I really really remember how I texted my mom on the first day of school, wishing I could transfer into another high school. 

Yet I miss all of them now, especially my high school. Yet time flies without people realizing.

Aller anfang ist schwer. (Every beginning is hard, that's what my teacher told me the day before I leave to Germany). I don't even know what the future will hold, but all I know, God plans the best for everyone (sorry, for cheesy words). :)  

Siegburg Weihnachstmarkt

At first we supposed to go to Düsseldorf for visiting christmas market there. However, in train we met fellow Indonesian people who were in trip with KSG going to Siegburg christmas market. So  we joined them. And the theme of the christmas market was also interesting, mittelalter or Medieval christmas market. The market was not big if you compare with the one in Köln. But as you can see later, it served a different kind of booths, and foods, and stuffs.

The merry go round was so unique.

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And this one was the unique gemuse rice I ate. It tasted kinda like kebuli rice in Indonesia, but it's for vegetarian. No meat.

Christmas is coming closer people!

Köln Weihnachtsmarkt

I'm going to post photos from two christmas markets that I've visited. First one was in Köln. We went to it last two weeks, but just realised today that the market is actually not only in front of the famous 

Dom. It's everywhere in Köln! Anyway, enjoy the photos (though it was so cold to even press the shutter).

The last one is me, with the winter outfit, while eating steak with stick which was so delicious. (I don't know, was it that delicious, or was it just me being so hungry, or was it the weather) Yeah, what I love from christmas market or Weihnachtsmarkt are of course the foods, the cute toys or handcraft being sold and the christmas-like-in-a-movie feeling. But to tell you the truth, I always ended up not buying anything other than food since I don't know what I would do with them later. 

Hello Again

It's been a long time since I wrote here. And if you ask, no, I'm still often in homesick phase. Yes, I know I've been going to different Christmas market every weekend with friends (photos come up later), but still, I've been overthinking over and over again.

Funny how when I went on Skype with boyfriend or family or besties, I would cry yet smile. I wouldn't talk much, because no words from me really needed to make me feel better. I miss everyone. And the hardest part, I miss the memories which would be impossible to be repeated again, right?

And then they would keep saying, fighting! You will face the harder one after this. This is just the beginning. Don't give up. And I would smile and wiped my tears and walked with my chin up again. And in the end of the week I would miss them again and yeah, I'm so weak.

I look at the seniors and how they can enjoy their lives here now. It's so motivating, thank you :). I just hope I can really survive.

If you ask me, am I still confused with major? Yes, and no. No options left, I just need to go through this.

And they say this is the wheel of life. I might feel sad, but I couldn't always be this sad. I should survive. I should not give up.

Fighting for all who might just get out from their comfort zone now and try to survive there.