Twenty Twelve

Greetings from Netherlands. Yep, I'm still in Netherlands, staying with my boyfriend's family, which the photos for my trip will be posted later. Anyway, just like what I like to do (re: collecting memories), this post will be about this year in recap. To be honest, this year went so fast. I can't even remember what I've been doing each months, each days. Well, thanks to Facebook, I now remember.

January: New years sleepover and then study.

February: IB mock exam.

March: Pretty much studying.

April: Pretty much the same, studying.

May: IB real exams.

June: Bittersweet: prom, graduation, farewell.

July: Thailand trip, Jogja trip.

August: He left. Then for me basically is unemployment phase.

September: Unemployment phase, yet start being busy for moving to Germany's stuffs. And farewell.

October: Move to Germany.

November: Struggling to survive, yet hopping from one city to another every weekend.

December: Here, in Netherlands.

I'm not sure why I post this, but as what I've said, this year went so fast. One month might not even have any significance. Thus, I tell myself, I should make (again) resolution just like what I did last 2 years. Funny how from the outline of this year's recap it seems that I've done much, but I don't feel like I did anything productive or 'wow'. Long story short, see you in next post, next day, next month, next year with hopefully new spirit and motivation. Have a great new year's eve party :)

Let The Skyfall

For this is the end....not. 

I've been in the mood of listening to Skyfall these days even though I haven't even watched the movie. Anyway, connecting to the lyric that I wrote, I've been thinking that finishing high school equals to the end of almost everything. I mean, come on, I am really the type who doesn't easily move on. And by the end of my school year, it's like I have to let go a routine that I'd been doing for half of my life. I have to let go the way I study with food and papers scattering around my own bed in my own room. I have to let go the way I hang out with best friends and Starbucks and movies and chit chats about cute boys that we love or like or have a crush with. I have to let go the way I'm just waiting for the time keeps moving until it's holiday and I'm back at my heavenly comfort zone again. I have to let go basically, the way I don't want to think about serious things.

I'm in college, and everything turns so different compare to high school. Then the hardest part comes to the time when I realize, even when this college life's over, I can never ever go back to my happy-chilly-life during school time. Yes I miss Indonesia so much. But if I think about it again, like what I've said, most of all I miss the memories. Which I can't ever get it back, right?

So is it the end?

No. Of course not. Everyone said so.

Going to college means the start of you being the real you. And it's hard. Especially when you feel that you are alone -- literally or figuratively. Friendship here becomes different thing. You miss the time in high school when you feel that your best friends are your soulmates. But you don't realize, that they already live their own lives too now. You then think that you want to go back to your home. to your parent's bed, snuggling, sleeping under the same blanket and listening to the sound of pouring rain outside the window. But again, you don't realize that you and they are together getting older.

It's the time for you being more responsible, not crying like a baby, wishing by that you can just run away. Though, inside and outside, you keep wishing that you don't want anything ends. You don't want your beautiful life as a little kid ends.

I'm 18. Still 18. But I overthink to almost think that I'm already 24 something. It's still a long way. So many things will happen and so many ideas and dreams will pop up to motivate you.

And you're not that alone. I'm not that alone. People come and go but your family and people who really love you will stay.

So let the sky fall, when it crumbles, we will stand tall, face it all together.

Insecurity, Pressure, And Family

Okay so this post is written by me in the middle of struggling against my insecurity about future, about Physics exam particularly coming up, about so many things.

And I always remember, how my family in Indonesia always supports me through all of this. Even though it kinda hurts, because I'm afraid of letting them disappointed. if you know what I mean. It's the pressure of being the first child as well as being the first granddaughter. I remember almost every single words they said on my farewell. I remember they put so much hopes in me by going to Germany. I don't want to disappoint them. And no, this  'galauness' is not anymore about passion, I mean as what I've said before, I can still find a connection between my passion and major. So now this is more about insecurity. I'm scared of exams. I had never ever been on that phase to be honest. Since primary school, I'd been the one who never had nervous attack before exam (unless it's Physical Education...) No intention to show it off, but everything turned out alright. (Though, still, there are multiple times I tried and failed, just like in competition, or scholarship, and I didn't give much deal about it.) Well maybe now God tries to show me how real world is. How there's word failure and success being bold. I'm not complaining. But again, I don't want to disappoint my family. I have to  struggle. Like, really struggle....

On the other side, I remember how weak I really am since primary school. I remember in year 2 I was afraid of going to school just because I was still unable to go to sleep without my mom when my seat-mate demanded to have sleepover in my house. I remember in year 3 I was again afraid of going to school because my another seat-mate always drew on my hand. 

I remember in junior high school, all discrimination and 'mocking' (because i'm black and fat and ugly) made me hope it all ended like real soon. And again in senior high school, I really really remember how I texted my mom on the first day of school, wishing I could transfer into another high school. 

Yet I miss all of them now, especially my high school. Yet time flies without people realizing.

Aller anfang ist schwer. (Every beginning is hard, that's what my teacher told me the day before I leave to Germany). I don't even know what the future will hold, but all I know, God plans the best for everyone (sorry, for cheesy words). :)  

Siegburg Weihnachstmarkt

At first we supposed to go to Düsseldorf for visiting christmas market there. However, in train we met fellow Indonesian people who were in trip with KSG going to Siegburg christmas market. So  we joined them. And the theme of the christmas market was also interesting, mittelalter or Medieval christmas market. The market was not big if you compare with the one in Köln. But as you can see later, it served a different kind of booths, and foods, and stuffs.

The merry go round was so unique.

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And this one was the unique gemuse rice I ate. It tasted kinda like kebuli rice in Indonesia, but it's for vegetarian. No meat.

Christmas is coming closer people!

Köln Weihnachtsmarkt

I'm going to post photos from two christmas markets that I've visited. First one was in Köln. We went to it last two weeks, but just realised today that the market is actually not only in front of the famous 

Dom. It's everywhere in Köln! Anyway, enjoy the photos (though it was so cold to even press the shutter).

The last one is me, with the winter outfit, while eating steak with stick which was so delicious. (I don't know, was it that delicious, or was it just me being so hungry, or was it the weather) Yeah, what I love from christmas market or Weihnachtsmarkt are of course the foods, the cute toys or handcraft being sold and the christmas-like-in-a-movie feeling. But to tell you the truth, I always ended up not buying anything other than food since I don't know what I would do with them later. 

Hello Again

It's been a long time since I wrote here. And if you ask, no, I'm still often in homesick phase. Yes, I know I've been going to different Christmas market every weekend with friends (photos come up later), but still, I've been overthinking over and over again.

Funny how when I went on Skype with boyfriend or family or besties, I would cry yet smile. I wouldn't talk much, because no words from me really needed to make me feel better. I miss everyone. And the hardest part, I miss the memories which would be impossible to be repeated again, right?

And then they would keep saying, fighting! You will face the harder one after this. This is just the beginning. Don't give up. And I would smile and wiped my tears and walked with my chin up again. And in the end of the week I would miss them again and yeah, I'm so weak.

I look at the seniors and how they can enjoy their lives here now. It's so motivating, thank you :). I just hope I can really survive.

If you ask me, am I still confused with major? Yes, and no. No options left, I just need to go through this.

And they say this is the wheel of life. I might feel sad, but I couldn't always be this sad. I should survive. I should not give up.

Fighting for all who might just get out from their comfort zone now and try to survive there.

Hop Hop

Actually I'm kind of regretting the way I was being so shitty on the first month living here. I should be grateful because it's actually such a good opportunity. And here I post some of the cities I've been travelling these weeks since I'm having free ticket to go around Nordrhein-Westfalen for free, yippie. I would still hop to another cities on every weekend (I hope) and would remind myself to bring camera if only it's not so heavy...

Oh, I let myself fail on Nanowrimo but as the consequence I'm working on another project again and again.

And anyway, Christmas is coming soon! I wish this would be another best Christmas in year! :)

Aachen last week.

Jülich Weihnachtsmarkt.

Bonn, Pixar 25 years of animation exhibition. Too bad taking pictures inside is prohibited.

Bonn, Weihnachtsmarkt.

A Lil Final or Conclusion

You guys might forgot that months ago I actually made a project named who I want to be project, or wiwtb project. I didn't really finish it. I didn't really do much about it. And instead, I was so messed up thinking about is my decision to be here right or wrong.

So here, I'm just trying to make that project done by writing the possibility of the resolution. Because it's just so impractical for me to leave everything here and start a new thing for a sake that this is not my passion. Passion can be in everywhere I guess. I mean, I still write here and even I'm now able to take so many photos of good events around here.

Three things I need to do then (again, this might not be so fixed, but as what my boyfriend said to me, I should stop being so much go-with-the-flow):

1) Planning about what to do after graduating from applied chemistry major. What it will take to relate it to my passion in writing or collecting journal.

2) Enjoying everything here. Walking around, taking photos, new experiences.

3) Striving for the best (especially in physics).

Then as a final, I honestly hate to tell everyone what my planning is. So yeah, I just keep it secret but I do make it, okay. Anyway, I heard once that people who tell everyone their resolution or planning actually do not make it done. But I didn't mean that you can't tell your resolution or planning. You still should! Because by then, you have a kind of responsibility to make it done. Just like my Nanowrimo project which is sadly stuck in 3000 words while it should be 25000 by now...

Overall, stop being too much go with the flow especially about your future, or else it could make things harder...

Köln: 11.11. 11.11, Merrier Than Halloween

Well, after a long time posting only about mellow, such-a-not-a-cheerful stuffs, this time I'm gonna post some photos taken from last week carnival in Köln. It was the first time for me to go to such a carnival. People there were wearing costume, so creative and funny starting from cartoon character, animals, stuffs like pirate and film figure till even FBI ghostbuster and so forth. Yeah, it was much merrier than Halloween to be honest. They are dancing while drinking beer. Me also tried to drink that beer, but well, I don't think I really like it. So here are the photos.

The man who cleaned the broken glasses that being scattered almost everywhere...

How train station was full of people with costume.

The event took place almost all over Köln, with the Dom as the main center. Well, such a pity I didn't take the photo of the whole-magical-Dom (without my face in front of it). But yeah, this was such a new fun experience for me. Exactly on 11.11 11.11. 

Things About Courage

So like, I'm stuck here. And I really feel that I have made wrong decision.

You know that since the first, this is not the first major I would like (or passionately) to take. You know that I don't know. You know that I always go with the flow. And I think I would be able to take it easy. Just like what I did in junior high school or first days in senior high school.

But I'm wrong.

And I did talk to my parents. Yet, it's still undecided. Yet, I'm still not able to arrange the words to say.

What do you guys think I need to do?

I just don't want to disappoint them and my big family and the others.

But then I got so many example of case where people keep going with things they don't like and they end up with failing or taking again the course they want or even regretting.

And yeah, I need to be honest. I need to start having courage just like what my boyfriend said. Stop going with the flow. Go follow your heart and forget what the others said, just like what my bestfriend said.

Then the question is which major should I take? Which path should I take?

No one could answer it but me. But then it's hard to rephrase what I think to my parents.

So just help me to write a letter to mom and dad. Tell them that this might be better.

I think gap year won't matter, I could do so many things on gap year. Yet, yeah, I'm pretty sure they would not believe it..

Help me Lord.

And for you guys, which one you would rather take? Disappointing and embarassing yourself? Or keep following what your true passion and dreams are?

Der Regenbogen

Um, I'm so sorry for lack of posts. I've been really busy with lessons and life here. I've been so tired and missing home so much. But then everytime I told mom or dad about it, they would just reply with "you will get used to it" or "if it is easy then you won't become a better person". So motivating, yeah, I know. But still, I'm feeling so tired until people who met me here always said 'you look so tired' or 'why you always sleepy', yeah...

Anyway there's a rainbow literally in Linnich last Sunday. So maybe for this post I would just share it with you guys and hoping there will be more rainbows figuratively on life here (so cheesy :p)

And yeah, IB actually didn't do much as preparation for uni since people here are so smart. But at least IB taught me to be numb just like what my bestfriend told me.

P.S. I am still working for Nanowrimo. I have deleted two 'so-called-unfinished-novels' and I should struggle for this one. Viel Glück for me! And it's in Indonesian by the way, but if I'm finally done with it I might share it here for you guys :)

Nanowrimo And Books

Suddenly I really miss the time when people say I was being unemployed. But it's actually the time I was more productive than now or than when i was in high school. I miss going to bookstore from mall to mall, Indonesian or imported doesn't even matter. I miss making a cup of coffee every morning and let my thoughts be written abstractly on laptop or pieces of paper. I miss browsing till late night and then reading novels till I forgot everything (mostly time, and my boyfriend, sorry). I miss those things. I miss my simple sweet date with him and novels. I miss my family too, of course.

Why am I stuck here? I have never had a courage to be writer. But well, this time I try to join Nanowrimo (nanowrimo.org). Hopefully this will give me encouragement to finish at least one novel. 

Schönes Wochenende

So this weekend my boyfriend visited me from Netherlands and we spent days like we used to do back in Jakarta. Walking around, eating at Burger King, looking at video games, playing mini games on handphone, do fun things, and most of all, talking and talking and talking.

I don't have much to say. I also don't want to feed you guys with cheesy lines and PDA stuffs. I just want to say that I'm so glad with this. Life here is hard but when I'm with you, everything seems much better. So to the one who silently read this blog from the first-ever-post (i guess), ich liebe dich.

Yet one thing about long distance relationship, it hurts you more just to know that he will leave you again. Hence, welcome back Skype, i thank you a lot.

First Days Of College

I got so many feelings going on during this first week of college. The feeling of wondering is it right to be here. The feeling of thinking what do I actually chase here in Germany, in Linnich, in world.

And now I'm just here alone since my roommate is going out with her parents.

I just got back from being scolded by the dorm-master or student-assistant or I-really-don't-know-what-should-I-call-her because of skipping 2 classes (which were not entirely my faults okay...) and as you might know, I'm always overthinking on things. But now this girl is trying so hard to just let it flow.

Sigh.

Life's here is fun, when it's after the classes to be honest. No, the classes are not boring, they're quite hard even though I should tell you everything is just like highschool minus romance stories and cliche dramas, then plus physics lesson (which I don't really like) and German (everyday).

I'm just... I don't know. For the day before yesterday I felt like really really bored and didn't have any passion on doing things. Though I don't even know what my passion is. Yeah, pathetic. And then for now I just feel like saying; "shit, I should not be like this. I should act more serious now and stop being such a kid." Am I mad at myself? Well, maybe yes, maybe no.

The truth is, I don't know to whom I should tell everything.

Boyfriend? He seems so happy yet busy with his uni life. Bestfriends? They surely do have their own businesses. Roommate? I guess she already has her own stress that I should not add it. Parents? A big no no, since they have big expectation about me being here.

So, no, I don't know.

Even though I'm pretty sure they might read this sooner or later. But I'm pretty sure by the time they read it I have already changed.

I'm pretty labil (Indonesian infamous term for indecisive or moody). Yet I really need to get myself together. And never disappoint.

In the other side I start thinking of (starting) writing another novel if the time let me to do so. I remember the way I wrote during living in auntie's was much better than now, since I was, yeah, that alone.

But well, we will see it later. I'm just really tired and hungry for now.

Sonntag Morgen

A brief post about today just because I'm bored.
We went to church but it was too early, therefore we decided to walk around again and look, the stores were all closed on Sunday. 

We went back to church and yeah I admit I didn't completely understand what the priest said, but at least I went to the church and prayed. 

Then as a closing, shots of how people here are already preparing the decorations for halloween. So cute :3

P.S: Getting more nervous for tomorrow, dude, my future classmates are speaking German so fluent, how about me...

Erste Woche

Greeting from Germany! Finally settled down in Germany, in Linnich actually, and it is really different from Jakarta. (In a good way or bad way? Well, everything has both sides).

I haven't had much to say. But here are the photos taken from the first week staying there. I'm living in dorm. And then I was going shopping at Netto or 1 Euro shop, while choosing the cheapest stuffs of course. I was eating unhealthy stuffs such as almost-expired-asian-instant-noodle, and drinking tap water. And more obviously, I was going around (or walking around, I mean) as well as taking photos with yellowish-beautiful-falling leaves which are not available in Jakarta.

First day around the dorm.

First weekend, randomly taking train to Jülich. 

Taking shots with beautiful yet unavailable in Jakarta; yellowish falling leaves.

Going to shopping centre and here is the shop where they sell super cheap stuffs (yet almost expired ones).

But then got 'die beste heisse schokolade' (the best hot chocolate).

Luckily able to go home before dark and here's how I tried to capture a hot air balloon flying there but I guess I failed .

And finally here's one of the shots, me with the leave, and ":p" face.

College starts the day after tomorrow, wish me big luck since as always, I'm nervous...