Christmas, What Is Christmas?

Source

Now when I should be excited for holidays, like waking up on Christmas morning, or having cake for my birthday, or sitting down for Thanksgiving dinner, I want to cry instead.

I want to stay in bed all day. I don’t want to open presents and celebrate and have fun, because everyone I want to be there is not there. 

This Is What The Holidays Are When You've Lost A Loved One - Kelly Bishop

3 Days until Christmas and I'm not excited at all. I haven't even had any plan on Christmas day. Not because nobody asks me to do anything, but because I can't. I don't think I'm ready enough to do something on Christmas day. Something festive. Or even to just meet people out there.

Last year's Christmas was already depressing, honestly. It was the month when I was so confused whether I should move to Netherlands or stay in Germany. I was wishing that next Christmas -- which means, this year's Christmas -- I would be happy. Or even better, I could finally spend Christmas with my family. Apparently, this year's Christmas is even worse. I can't spend it with my family. No matter how hard I try, my Christmas spirit is slowly fading away.