My First Heartbreak

Source

I always thought that my first heartbreak was the day when the boy whom I had a crush on for about three years long suddenly date another girl. That day I remember I felt nothing. Numb, maybe. And I mistakenly thought it as my first heartbreak.

Because, no, it wasn't. 

My first heartbreak was the day when I had to let go my dream to go to my dream college because I had no courage at all to tell my father I wanted to go to that college. The reason was simple, actually. I knew my family did not have enough money to send me to that college. I knew to get scholarship for undergraduate students was insanely difficult. 

My mistake was, I never even told them the truth. I'd always surrendered, telling them that it's okay to go to Germany instead. Or, no, I was rebellious. But not in a good way. Because I know I was shouting at my father right on his birthday's celebration (yes, I always remember that day). I told him he did not understand me at all because he kept asking me to go to Germany, while actually, I was trying to say that I wanted to at least try to get scholarship first, so that I could go to another university in another country. I failed without even trying, you know?

Well, that was my heartbreak. And heartbreak is not always about boys, I think.  

It actually still hurts until now. I cannot trust myself to dream again. I cannot even let it go. I keep thinking about the 'what ifs'. What if I had enough courage to appropriately ask my father. What if I tried harder enough so that my IB score could reach 44 (too impossible, I know) and I could get the scholarship. 

It feels like i've lost everything. 

  

And now, you know, I have a second chance to make my dream comes true. Well, not the exact dream that I had three years ago actually. But it's my dream, now. 

Yet, I cannot trust myself that this is going to work. I'm afraid. It's when you have your heart broken and somebody shows up saying that he can fix you but you cannot trust it easily. You keep asking yourself what if this person is going to break your heart again. 

And yes, it is me, myself, now. 

I am afraid that I have to let go my dream for one more time.
To let my heart got broken one more time. 

But no, I will not let it happen.