2014: A Roller Coaster Year Indeed

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Hello and happy new year!

Well, I've a lot to tell. And yes, I've temporarily closed this blog since I need to deal with too many things right now. As what you've read from the previous post, you might know that I've failed to do a 'Praktikum'. When I wrote that post, I actually did not think that this could lead to a very big problem to me. Well, it has caused such a domino effect. I totally thought that failing one 'Praktikum' could only lead to me having momentary break, which for your information, I was really craving for that. But then, no. I would not be allowed to take part in another 'Praktikum' as well as written exams. And as what i've said before, this would extent my study to one year longer.

It's normal, isn't it?

No, not really. Not if you start asking yourself what if you fail again next year. Remember that up until now, I actually have no idea at all about what I've already studied. (Yes, the perks of studying in German language). I barely understand the material. I just memorised everything for the sake of passing exams. I did not study to understand. And to be honest, I hate it.

My parents were the first who start asking me, do I want to move to another university? If you've already followed my blog since the beginning, you will instantly know the answer. Yes, I do. I've always, always wanted to not going to Germany for university. I've sacrificed so many things to go to Germany for god's sake. And now they offer me the chance to go for what I've wanted/ did want. Why I wrote 'did'? Because really, I start asking myself is that really what I want? To not continue studying in Germany? Do I still want it? I'm already in the middle of this fight. Many also say that you need to finish what you've started. I've also already build my comfort zone here, with the lady who I consider as my own mother, with my close friends, and so on.

But again, I barely understand the material that I've studied so far. I somehow feel like I have no purpose with my study here.

And hence, I'm torn between two. Staying here or moving.

Well, I might not explain this very clear here. Because, believe me, what is in my head right now is just a mess. I couldn't concentrate. I was in the phase where I just wanted to stay under my blanket the whole day. Depression? I don't know. All I know, is this is just worse than before. I spent day by day with no orientation. I spent my christmas and new year holiday just like another day. I cancelled my plan to go to Disneyland or Italy. I distant myself from everyone, even my boyfriend.

For now, I have processed my applications to transfer to two universities while still managing to keep up with lessons in my current university (with very little motivation). By transfer, hopefully I don't have to start from the beginning. But still, I have to take care every thing by myself. And I have to start making friends again. And I don't know if I'm just introvert or actually having social anxiety, but it's just getting difficult for me to instantly feel comfortable in a new environment. It takes around one year for me to build another comfort zone.

Hey, nothing good comes from comfort zone, right?

Yeah, I don't know, I really hope things are getting better soon. It's 2015 already. And 2014, for me, started with great motivation and ended up with almost zero.

A roller-coaster year indeed.