Failing

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I failed to do 'Praktikum' that leads to the fact that I have to wait one year to repeat it. And it means I have to extend my study here for another year. Well, that sucks doesn't it? Though, part of me knows that this is gonna happen. And yet, that part of me is glad that it happened. Well, to be fair, I have no idea at all what the 'Praktikum' is about. My friends are also similar with me. They have no idea, though they are lucky that they pass it. It's okay. Life sometimes can be this shitty. And I on the contrary feel like one burden is lifted from me by not doing this 'Praktikum' this year.  I already think what to do later, for example writing another novel, taking care of my businesses and even traveling. Yes, I know. This sounds so irresponsible. But what happened, happened, you know? I can't do anything about it. So for a moment, let me be 'happy' by doing what I wanted to do. 

NB: 'Praktikum' is a laboratory work, well I couldn't really translate it so I just write it like that. 

Fake It Till You Make It

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Just a little thought today. So it's been 2 years for me living in Germany. If you read my old posts (and even up to my current posts), you guys know how it's been a roller-coaster ride for me. Ups and downs. Hopeful and hopeless. But today I was going out with my friend here in Germany. We've been sharing our stories as usual. And she said that she saw (or has seen) me as a tough girl. She couldn't even picture me crying here. Wow. I mean, really, wow. I'm so close with her until I think she can see that I often get depressed here. She said that I'm so easily content with everything, for example, with just staying at home reading a novel. Yes, it's true. But I cry too. Humans cry. And I'm not a robot. It makes me wonder if my family even thinks like that too. Though, more than often, I think I'm such a crybaby -- not a tough girl. 

Or maybe, just like what people say, 'fake it till you make it'. I've faked my courage and sometimes my happiness. And they see me being happy and strong.
And maybe I don't realise that I slowly have actually become happy and strong.

Yeah, I hope so.

Lost Stars

I haven't actually watched Begin Again. I've been wanting to, actually even before it's out in cinema. I think Begin Again was out in cinema when I was in Indonesia. And since the internet connection in Indonesia made me losing my mood to watch streaming, I decided to watch it later when I'm back in Germany. But yeah, in Germany I was too busy until I forgot to watch it. I just remembered about this movie again when I listened to this song in Maroon 5's new album. It's just somehow inspiring for me (though I don't know in which way it's inspiring). Maybe I will write something about it later. But for now, just enjoy the song. 

Update: October 2014.

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So I go back to the routine already. But this time, I've sort of forced myself to not write at all. I don't know. Maybe because I'm still in the uncertainty regarding the drafts that I finished last year. I try to forget it. Though one day I feel that they're very good drafts. Yet another day I feel that they're just shitty. I also somehow think that if I write again, it will turn out as bad as my previous drafts. And what's the point? I'm exhausted enough thinking about that (yeah, I'm an overthinker, I know). 

So I tried to occupy myself with other stuffs. School, of course, even though it's getting harder and harder and I feel more stupid everyday. I guess it's true about the more you learn the more you realise that you don't know anything. I also try to do business with my friend and one business that I do myself (but just today I realise Facebook blocked the account so I don't know what else I should do). In the end, these days I was so positive till I forget to eat and sleep, you know.
But today, the day that I supposed to study hard for upcoming oral exams, I realise that things may not work out as I expected again. This might sound so negative. But yeah, I'm just an ordinary girl who tries too hard (and keep being silent about it so that people will think I'm doing nothing).
One thing that I keep remember is; life is about learning process. I learn so many things by doing these stuffs. But yeah, I really wish that the good results may come out soon. So that I still be able to believe in myself. Because if I have to be honest, I start losing faith in my own ability.  

Quote Of The Day

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Being a professional writer is a freaking nightmare. It’s filled with a never ending rejection. Only an insane person would pursue it. But guess what. I didn’t have a choice. Telling stories is the only way I know how to make sense of the world around me. — Awkward.