Running Away

Unfortunately, honey pie, new people are only new for a day. After that, they're just people. Who'll excite you, disappoint you, scare you a little bit. And boy do I know how tempting it is to run away when that happens. It's good for avoiding things. But the problem is that you end up avoiding yourself. Avoiding people you love. You end up avoiding life. So I've decided to start setting an example for you girls. I'm going to try showing you what sticking it out looks like. Really get to know people. And let people get to know us. I don't promise to be any good at it, but I will try. 

The Perfect Man (2005)

So I have been feeling blue on these weekend even though things have been going pretty alright. I thought this is the continuation of feeling blue after losing my father. I thought maybe I just can't ever be fully healed. But this realization then came to me at 3 a.m., where your head couldn't think straight anymore, and whatever you said might be the truest one.

Anyway, I kinda know what my problem is. I am afraid. Yes. I'm no longer a new kid here. People start to getting to know me and we are starting to be close. Yet, I always have this urge to run away. To stay away. To not let anyone get to be close to me. Because you know what? Everything is ugly up close. This is a quote from movie Paper Town by the way. And I do agree.

People eventually will start to talk about each other behind their backs. People will criticize your habits that don't seem normal. People will pick sides. It happens. It has happened and it does scare me. A lot.

What if I'm not good enough? What if I'm not nice enough? What if I'm selfish? I always think that only my family will accept me because they don't have a choice. It is an unconditional love, honey. 

I just realized that I did always run away. Not that crazy, but I did keep moving places. I hated my junior high school, and therefore I moved to another school during high school. But then, I did hate my high school too and was trying to move right away if only my parents let me to do so. I hated Germany and I move here to Netherlands (even though in this case, Germany was really no good for me).

And now, do I want to move again? I know. I know it's crazy. I know my mom told me once that she also did the same -- keep wanting to move-- and she kinda regretted it in the end. And I know my mom would be so pissed off if I told her this thought.

Anyway, so far, nothing is wrong with the Netherlands. People are kind. But most of the times, I'm scared of kind people. Were people in my junior high school not kind? Wrong. They were so kind. Were people in my high school not kind? Well, some of them did calling names to the other people. But some of them were kind.

So, in conclusion, I am just still scared of being so close to people. Have you heard Demons by Imagine Dragons? The lyric suits perfectly. Don't get too close, it's dark inside. 

Sometimes

Sometimes I really do want to ask myself out loud, 'What did I just put myself into?"

I think it's really hard to find a balance between being a yes-man and a no-man. I always tend to keep rejecting every offer that comes. On the other side I also always tend to say yes until I become overwhelmed with the things that I have to do. 

Focus

Source

“I think I felt entitled to success because I’m smart and I’m good at stuff and I work hard. Maybe ‘entitled’ isn’t the right word, but I just thought things would happen for me. I went to a private school in DC—the same place that Obama’s kids go. Then I studied film at Columbia. But not much has happened for me since. I guess the main thing that I lack is single-mindedness. I’m too scattered and complacent. I have a hard time finishing things. I paid to go on a screenwriting retreat recently. It was a bunch of New Yorkers at an old monastery in the middle of Italy. It was a magical, quiet place, and we didn’t talk until noon, and I managed to finish about 60 pages of a screenplay. I left feeling very motivated. But when I got back to New York, I lost focus again. Recently I had my ten-year reunion at Columbia, and that was pretty traumatic. Some of the kids from my film program had become famous. Everyone seemed to have a good job. I used to pride myself on not being focused on money. Now I’m thinking that would have been preferable to not having focus at all.”

Humans of New York

You're Not Special

My friend posted this article on her Facebook last Monday. I have been aware of the term 'special snowflake' itself since last year. I always remember how my parents think I'm special. Yet, in this big big world, nobody is that special. That left me with quarter life crisis especially during last year. Moreover, I grew up believing that I can be that successful at such a young age. Well, maybe I can. But again, I should learn from the advice for Lucy in this article:
1. Stay wildly ambitious. The current world is bubbling with opportunity for an ambitious person to find flowery, fulfilling success. The specific direction may be unclear, but it’ll work itself out—just dive in somewhere.
2. Stop thinking that you’re special. The fact is, right now, you’re not special. You’re another completely inexperienced young person who doesn’t have all that much to offer yet. You can become special by working really hard for a long time.
3. Ignore everyone else. Other people’s grass seeming greener is no new concept, but in today’s image crafting world, other people’s grass looks like a glorious meadow. The truth is that everyone else is just as indecisive, self-doubting, and frustrated as you are, and if you just do your thing, you’ll never have any reason to envy others.

Cheers.

P.s: Check the full article in here

Special Little Things That Wrapped 2015

Source

I was about to spend my new year's eve by being a couch potato. I was about to stop making any new year's resolution since I don't see how things will be able to go as we plan. Yet, somehow, there were these little things that reminded me how it's okay to still be hopeful. How it is okay to be happy and feel grateful.

So, what were those little things?

Really, they're simple. 

First, when I was about to go to KFC to get my NYE's dinner (well, yes, my NYE's dinner for this year and last year was as fancy as KFC), I passed a street artist in the street. Seeing him somehow reminded me of my father. No, my father was not a street artist. I just remembered how my father said that he wanted to be rich and successful so that he would be able to help people who are less fortunate than him. Was he successful enough to do that? Well, I would like to say yes. My family may not be rich, but I know he inspired and helped a lot of people in his life.

This simple thing actually just shook me and helped me to realise, why should I stop striving for a better life? Why did I want to forget all of my dreams? Why was I so hopeless in the last months of 2015? Life may not be that meaningless after all. 

Second, as I mentioned before, I was about to just being a couch potato on my new year's eve. I lost excitement to enjoy the night. I lost excitement to party (well, I never enjoy partying actually). I even lost excitement to watch fireworks on TV. But that night I suddenly thought, how about a little walk in the city. I didn't have to be in the city center, where people were partying hard and looked so happy. I didn't have to be in the place where it's beautiful and fancy enough to be shown on my social media. And turned out, we ended up being in the park which located at a small hill. And from that park, I was able to see how beautiful fireworks in The Hague actually were. Was I happy? Yes. And as I've said before, it's simple. 

Anyway, it's always arguable whether making resolution is a right thing to do or not. People may say that it actually hinders you to achieve your dreams. People may say it's bullshit since you will only be excited to fulfil them in the first months -- or even weeks. Knowing myself, I know I rarely stick to any commitment (except a relationship, I guess). I always run away. I always stop doing things in the middle--never finish them. My friend said that it's a typical of AB (blood type) person. I would say it's a typical Gemini. But I would like to change that. One of my resolution for this year is actually to post anything every week on my blog. Will I be able to stick on that? Let's see. Meanwhile, happy new year, people! May this year be alright. May this year be awesome.