If I ask myself this question 4 years ago, I would like to say 'writing'. I've been wanting to be a writer since I was in high school, even though I've been always that scared to show people what I've been working on. Yet, as the time goes by, I start to doubt myself. I do think that I still want to be a writer. But is it because I really like to write?
Growing up in a digital era, every people can -- and will -- create their own persona through social media. They call it 'branding', I suppose. And as I've been mentioning this a lot, they edit their lives so that it will seem beautiful. I guess I have been doing the same thing. The only thing that is different, is that I'm just nobody, even in internet. No, I don't want to make a sensation like 'Sinta Jojo' in Indonesia or Gangnam Style or Harlem Shake or anything (which is not bad but I just don't want to). But do I want to be known? Yes, of course. It is human. It is common, especially since nowadays, everything is valued with numbers. How many followers you have, how many friends in Facebook you have, how many blog readers you have.
And somehow, I do feel that being writer will be a solution. People will know me. I will have followers. Heck, I can even develop more businesses if I have been known. Do you think this is silly and naive and hypocrite? Yes, I know. I feel the same too. But isn't it the reality?
Nah, I used to write just because I have this urge to share stories to nobody. I just wanted to let out my feelings. I didn't care if it is politically correct or not. I didn't care if it will please people or not. I was being honest. I let my writings raw and real. And turned out, I did love it, though nobody did read it.
It's just different now. I feel like I write in order to get published. It is my goal and I have to achieve it. I really try to be politically correct and to not hurt anybody's feeling and to fit in a certain market. I read a lot of book, not to enjoy the story, but to observe the plot, the character, the writing. (Well, it is not bad. We have to keep studying, don't we?)
However, I feel that my writing has became boring. A cliche. Most importantly, it doesn't have a soul.
Thus, this makes me think again, what will I actually do if I just ignore money and fame?
It is hard for me nowadays to just ignore about money. I am quite struggling. I want to help my mom and my brother but things still don't work out. Moreover, it might be also hard to ignore fame. I mean, you do live in social media era and you do still have your eyes on the numbers of followers and so on (except for this blog, I rarely look at my stats and that's why I can be so honest here).
Do I still write? Right now, I don't. I have stopped writing since the beginning of this year. It is just because I lost faith on what I'm even doing. I don't want to make this sound so pathetic, but, yes, with writing, you have to wait for at least 5 months to know whether you can get published or not. It does take a long time and it does take patience.
Maybe it is just that I'm not that patient and I'm easily bored. I want to know that what I've been working on is paid off. I do sound childish, I know. Everything takes time. Everything needs patience. That's what my father always showed me, though.
Anyway, even though I kinda stop writing, I'm still a person who can't easily let my spare time filled with things I don't really think productive (well, well, even though I know that half of my week is filled with browsing and watching Youtube and Netflix). I'm trying out new hobby right now; Amigurumi. Well, it's not really new. I've tried to crochet since last 2 years. Just now, I can actually finish a doll-- two dolls, even. My mind starts think how to monetize this. But, please, I think I have to do things just for the sake of making me happy. I have to just follow my passion again. Just like what I did, all the way before life has been so crazy.
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