Unfortunately, honey pie, new people are only new for a day. After that, they're just people. Who'll excite you, disappoint you, scare you a little bit. And boy do I know how tempting it is to run away when that happens. It's good for avoiding things. But the problem is that you end up avoiding yourself. Avoiding people you love. You end up avoiding life. So I've decided to start setting an example for you girls. I'm going to try showing you what sticking it out looks like. Really get to know people. And let people get to know us. I don't promise to be any good at it, but I will try.
So I have been feeling blue on these weekend even though things have been going pretty alright. I thought this is the continuation of feeling blue after losing my father. I thought maybe I just can't ever be fully healed. But this realization then came to me at 3 a.m., where your head couldn't think straight anymore, and whatever you said might be the truest one.
Anyway, I kinda know what my problem is. I am afraid. Yes. I'm no longer a new kid here. People start to getting to know me and we are starting to be close. Yet, I always have this urge to run away. To stay away. To not let anyone get to be close to me. Because you know what? Everything is ugly up close. This is a quote from movie Paper Town by the way. And I do agree.
People eventually will start to talk about each other behind their backs. People will criticize your habits that don't seem normal. People will pick sides. It happens. It has happened and it does scare me. A lot.
What if I'm not good enough? What if I'm not nice enough? What if I'm selfish? I always think that only my family will accept me because they don't have a choice. It is an unconditional love, honey.
I just realized that I did always run away. Not that crazy, but I did keep moving places. I hated my junior high school, and therefore I moved to another school during high school. But then, I did hate my high school too and was trying to move right away if only my parents let me to do so. I hated Germany and I move here to Netherlands (even though in this case, Germany was really no good for me).
And now, do I want to move again? I know. I know it's crazy. I know my mom told me once that she also did the same -- keep wanting to move-- and she kinda regretted it in the end. And I know my mom would be so pissed off if I told her this thought.
Anyway, so far, nothing is wrong with the Netherlands. People are kind. But most of the times, I'm scared of kind people. Were people in my junior high school not kind? Wrong. They were so kind. Were people in my high school not kind? Well, some of them did calling names to the other people. But some of them were kind.
So, in conclusion, I am just still scared of being so close to people. Have you heard Demons by Imagine Dragons? The lyric suits perfectly. Don't get too close, it's dark inside.
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