Disderi: Life from the Four Lenses

Continuing the previous post, I'm back with the mood of playing with my film camera. I guess I never tell you that I own a Disderi camera with the 4 lenses. I got it as a birthday present when I was in the beginning of high school. It makes quirky sounds everytime I press the shutter button. And I just knew that my father was not so into the idea of me playing with a toy camera that he even purposely gave his Lumix to me. Well, that's why I never own a lomo camera even though I've been dying to since I was in high school.

 

Anyway, so far there were only 3 times when I used the camera. First time is during the sleepover, when my mom lost the film before she brought it to the camerashop to develop it. Second is during the holiday to Singapore, where it had been developed, yet I lost that photo album (and have always tried to look for it every time I went back to Jakarta). Then, last year, when I moved from Germany to The Hague, and also wandering around a fairground with my then-new friends.

 

I'm gonna post some of the shots. I like them even though most of them are blurry and too dark. Yet, too bad, the quality of the scans are not that good. I guess my boyfriend scanned it as 'document' instead of image and then cropped it. It will be good to scan it again but sometimes I'm just too lazy.

 

 

Turns Out

Turned out, I went back to Jakarta for the summer break. It was not that prepared actually.

My mom surprisingly bought ticket for me in less than a week before the departure date. I didn't even have a lot of time to prepare the souvenirs and do packing as I still had a lot of things to do before I flew back to Indonesia. Anyway, turned out, I was quite bored in Indonesia. Maybe because I was just having two hectic months in my life and then suddenly I had to do nothing. Maybe because I was always sort of paralyzed when I was in Jakarta since 1) I can't drive, 2) I don't have driver, 3) I'm too paranoid with the traffic jam, 4) public transport in Jakarta is still not that convenient. In addition to those all, I was also attacked by dengue fever during this summer holiday (which ironically happened when I visited my father's grave).

 

So, yeah, I did miss The Hague so much. It's so weird, you know. You feel homesick when you're in the Netherlands - away from home. But you miss your friends and your life in The Hague when you're home. Though, most people who met me say that I look happier now (hope that they don't think I'm actually okay after losing my father because no, I'm never okay). But I do feel more alive when I'm here in The Hague compared to when I was in Germany. They just admit that when I was in Germany, I looked like that I wouldn't want to live anymore, yet I wouldn't want to die as well ('hidup segan mati tak mau') - which was super true. I just never knew they realized it.

 

Now, turns out I'm actually having different state of mind compared to last year. I'm not that aspired to perfect my CV anymore. I know I still have to keep achieving things in life (or do I?). But now, I'm kinda back to the state of mind when I posted this 'Before Sunset' post. Don't worry, I'm still aware of who I am and what my responsibility is. I have to finish my bachelor as soon as possible. I have to work hard and find a job later. I don't really want to extremely 'runaway' and be a writer or an explorer or something like that. I just want to have a vacation, to travel and capture moments. To enjoy the world again, I guess?

 

Right now, I'm doing my internship at a cocoa factory and it's been so much fun. Í've learned a lot of new things. But I'm also starting to plan a trip again during vacation. I think this is a good sign. Though strangely enough, I suddenly have a bigger responsibility at the Indonesian students organization where I kinda have been tired to be involved at anymore. Well, 2 months until this responsibility is over. And 5 months until I'm free from the internship. I was really hoping I could be this busy. But maybe, I'm just exhausted enough now.

Two Hectic Months

Finally, I got my me-time back. These past two months had been the busiest months ever. Facing the last block of the semester, I got 3 different projects that I had to do with the group plus one individual final assessment. Of course I had 5 different subjects that I had to ace for the final exams too. I had to prepare myself looking for internship and facing interview (and I finally got one in a cocoa factory, yeay!)

On top of it, I became a chairman for an event which was a coffee festival. That's actually something I never ever thought I would able to do one day. 

Well, honestly speaking, last year when I was so down because I had to move from Germany, I sort of promised myself if I got the chance to start all over again in the Netherlands, I would do anything to live my life, to make my CV look better or actually, to just have more and more experiences. I know for sure that the time in Germany was the time where I didn't live up to my potential. But to finally able to go through these two hectic months, I was certainly having doubt at myself that I could do it.
 

I had no idea that this event would be so big and we actually only had two months to prepare it. We had to arrange 7 companies from Indonesia to travel to the Netherlands and promote coffee. We had to arrange 6 talkshows and 6 barista performances. And the hardest part -- like what my friend told me -- was to collaborate with a lot of people including your own team members. Knowing me, I never thought I could be a leader. I'm so indecisive (perks of being a gemini + a Javanese). I tend to runaway and I sometimes could be over realist -- which makes me a pessimist. But we did it. It's over. It went alright (I guess).
 

Yet, now that it's gone, and I could finally have free time again, I don't even know what I want to do. I'm lost again. I'm back with my sadness and the thoughts that you could (or have) read in my previous posts. I just want to have a break, but I'm torn between whether I should go home or not. I don't think I would be okay if I stay in the Netherlands during summer. Next week will be the first anniversary of my father's death. Time passes so quickly especially if your life's filled with too much activity like the past two months. But to go home, it's so expensive and I don't know if it's worth it or not. Damn it, I know meeting my family will always be worth the money. The biggest problem maybe, is that I've been running away this whole year, and if I go back to Indonesia again, I will face the fact that I have no father, my home looks empty, I don't have money, I'm... still nobody. 

Productivity

I stumbled upon this image when I just opened my Tumblr dashboard after a long time not opening it. I just giggled a bit. It's just crazy how my weeks went by with me feeling always anxious. I have to start looking for internship but I'm already anxious. I'm always thinking about whether I'm able to get a job -- or even interview -- or not. I'm always thinking about when I will graduate from university. I'm always thinking about when I can be successful. Because you know, if you can't get job/ make business, you can't live. This is sad. And I think you've already known how lately I can't do something without thinking whether it can be counted as being productive or not. I should enjoy life and things around me. But lately, it's getting harder to do so. 

What Will You Do If You Don't Think About Money and Fame?

Source

If I ask myself this question 4 years ago, I would like to say 'writing'. I've been wanting to be a writer since I was in high school, even though I've been always that scared to show people what I've been working on. Yet, as the time goes by, I start to doubt myself. I do think that I still want to be a writer. But is it because I really like to write? 

Growing up in a digital era, every people can -- and will -- create their own persona through social media. They call it 'branding', I suppose. And as I've been mentioning this a lot, they edit their lives so that it will seem beautiful. I guess I have been doing the same thing. The only thing that is different, is that I'm just nobody, even in internet. No, I don't want to make a sensation like 'Sinta Jojo' in Indonesia or Gangnam Style or Harlem Shake or anything (which is not bad but I just don't want to). But do I want to be known? Yes, of course. It is human. It is common, especially since nowadays, everything is valued with numbers. How many followers you have, how many friends in Facebook you have, how many blog readers you have. 

And somehow, I do feel that being writer will be a solution. People will know me. I will have followers. Heck, I can even develop more businesses if I have been known. Do you think this is silly and naive and hypocrite? Yes, I know. I feel the same too. But isn't it the reality?

Nah, I used to write just because I have this urge to share stories to nobody. I just wanted to let out my feelings. I didn't care if it is politically correct or not. I didn't care if it will please people or not. I was being honest. I let my writings raw and real. And turned out, I did love it, though nobody did read it. 

It's just different now. I feel like I write in order to get published. It is my goal and I have to achieve it. I really try to be politically correct and to not hurt anybody's feeling and to fit in a certain market. I read a lot of book, not to enjoy the story, but to observe the plot, the character, the writing. (Well, it is not bad. We have to keep studying, don't we?) 

However, I feel that my writing has became boring. A cliche. Most importantly, it doesn't have a soul. 

Thus, this makes me think again, what will I actually do if I just ignore money and fame? 

It is hard for me nowadays to just ignore about money. I am quite struggling. I want to help my mom and my brother but things still don't work out. Moreover, it might be also hard to ignore fame. I mean, you do live in social media era and you do still have your eyes on the numbers of followers and so on (except for this blog, I rarely look at my stats and that's why I can be so honest here). 

Do I still write? Right now, I don't. I have stopped writing since the beginning of this year. It is just because I lost faith on what I'm even doing. I don't want to make this sound so pathetic, but, yes, with writing, you have to wait for at least 5 months to know whether you can get published or not. It does take a long time and it does take patience. 

Maybe it is just that I'm not that patient and I'm easily bored. I want to know that what I've been working on is paid off. I do sound childish, I know. Everything takes time. Everything needs patience. That's what my father always showed me, though. 

Anyway, even though I kinda stop writing, I'm still a person who can't easily let my spare time filled with things I don't really think productive (well, well, even though I know that half of my week is filled with browsing and watching Youtube and Netflix). I'm trying out new hobby right now; Amigurumi. Well, it's not really new. I've tried to crochet since last 2 years. Just now, I can actually finish a doll-- two dolls, even. My mind starts think how to monetize this. But, please, I think I have to do things just for the sake of making me happy. I have to just follow my passion again. Just like what I did, all the way before life has been so crazy.    

Running Away

Unfortunately, honey pie, new people are only new for a day. After that, they're just people. Who'll excite you, disappoint you, scare you a little bit. And boy do I know how tempting it is to run away when that happens. It's good for avoiding things. But the problem is that you end up avoiding yourself. Avoiding people you love. You end up avoiding life. So I've decided to start setting an example for you girls. I'm going to try showing you what sticking it out looks like. Really get to know people. And let people get to know us. I don't promise to be any good at it, but I will try. 

The Perfect Man (2005)

So I have been feeling blue on these weekend even though things have been going pretty alright. I thought this is the continuation of feeling blue after losing my father. I thought maybe I just can't ever be fully healed. But this realization then came to me at 3 a.m., where your head couldn't think straight anymore, and whatever you said might be the truest one.

Anyway, I kinda know what my problem is. I am afraid. Yes. I'm no longer a new kid here. People start to getting to know me and we are starting to be close. Yet, I always have this urge to run away. To stay away. To not let anyone get to be close to me. Because you know what? Everything is ugly up close. This is a quote from movie Paper Town by the way. And I do agree.

People eventually will start to talk about each other behind their backs. People will criticize your habits that don't seem normal. People will pick sides. It happens. It has happened and it does scare me. A lot.

What if I'm not good enough? What if I'm not nice enough? What if I'm selfish? I always think that only my family will accept me because they don't have a choice. It is an unconditional love, honey. 

I just realized that I did always run away. Not that crazy, but I did keep moving places. I hated my junior high school, and therefore I moved to another school during high school. But then, I did hate my high school too and was trying to move right away if only my parents let me to do so. I hated Germany and I move here to Netherlands (even though in this case, Germany was really no good for me).

And now, do I want to move again? I know. I know it's crazy. I know my mom told me once that she also did the same -- keep wanting to move-- and she kinda regretted it in the end. And I know my mom would be so pissed off if I told her this thought.

Anyway, so far, nothing is wrong with the Netherlands. People are kind. But most of the times, I'm scared of kind people. Were people in my junior high school not kind? Wrong. They were so kind. Were people in my high school not kind? Well, some of them did calling names to the other people. But some of them were kind.

So, in conclusion, I am just still scared of being so close to people. Have you heard Demons by Imagine Dragons? The lyric suits perfectly. Don't get too close, it's dark inside.